What does your dog's lean really mean?
Do you think when your dog leans on you it means they love you?
That's a common misconception most humans have about dogs!
Over years of observing off-leash dogs, I noticed that dogs didn't lean on each other, and when they did, it was often not well received. After experimenting, I found that leaning wasn't loving but another case of applying human meaning to a dog's behavior.
Dogs lean on us to:
-Regulate their nervous system
-Get attention
-See how we respond to them coming into our personal space
The Problem With Leaning
When we let an anxious or overwhelmed dog lean on us, we accidentally tell them, "Yes, this situation IS worthy of inciting your anxiety." We miss an opportunity to build their confidence if we reward the lean with pets instead of responding in a way that shows them we've deemed the environment as being safe and therefore not lean-worthy.
Allowing a dog to regulate on us (ie put their body on our body when they are nervous) deprives them of the opportunity to regulate themselves, fostering codependence. I know, I know - a part of many owners, maybe you included, sort of likes the idea of having a codependent dog. We like feeling needed and don't see the harm. Unlike kids dogs don't need to grow into successful adults who have jobs and relationships and houses of their own.
Independent or not, codependence is still not cool. It sets dogs up for a life of stress, which is not what we want for anyone we love. Since we aren't always able to be with our dogs, we don't want them running wild or feeling frazzled unless we can regulate them. It's important that while we are together we take every chance we have to build a dog's ability to calm themselves when they are agitated.
How to Help Your Dog "Down-Regulate"
Ask dogs to stay 6-12" away from your body. Stand tall and ground yourself with deep breaths, feeling your feet on the ground. Holding this calm energy while looking around the environment shows your dog that you feel comfortable and confident. To help your nervous dog join you in your aura of chill, ask them to shift from their survival brain to their thinking brain. Mentally engage them with commands or put on the leash and ask them to walk some shapes with you.
The Attention-Seeking Lean
If your dog learned that leaning is a good way to get attention, they're likely to:
Play or greet in ways other dogs don't like
Jump on guests
Be untrustworthy around little kids
Struggle to take "no" for an answer
When you start to become aware that your dog is leaning on you (watch - you will start to notice that you look down and find yourself petting a leaning dog a few times a day) you will enter into a more subtle relationship because you'll start to notice your dog before the lean, like when they get up and start walking towards you. When your dog approaches you can assess if they are getting your attention because they need you to meet a need of theirs (food, exercise, bathroom break) or if they are just bored and seeking stimulation or some (probably unnecessary) regulation.
Why I'm A Hard No On Leaning
Sure, it implies intimacy when a beloved human walks up and grabs your hand, gives you a hug, puts their hand on your back or shoulder or leans against you, but it's not always that simple. The person may be anxious and want your help regulating. They may be demonstrating to whoever is around they have some desire for or claim on you. Well, it isn't as simple as "all love all the time" when dogs do it, either.
A dog who feels they have universal permission to enter your personal space might also feel they:
-need to protect you
-don't need to listen to you
-aren't safe if they are away from you
-can engage with you in ways you don't like even after you ask them to stop
Becoming a Bouncer: How to Stop the Lean
1) Take a breath. Your dog doesn't know things are changing.
2) Don't reward the behavior with your attention by turning towards them or talking to them.
3) Raise your heel so your leg bounces or squat in place until they make the choice to move away
4) If necessary, shuffle your feet into them so they take a few steps away then go back to where you were standing.
5) If they move towards you and press against you again, repeat steps 1-4 (don't forget to reset with a deep breath!)
By not letting dogs lean, we build dogs that can regulate themselves, listen well, trust us, and have good manners with other people and dogs.
Who knew so much could stem from what you always thought was a sweet little lean?