How to change your life with the 'wait' command
One of the absolutely most important things to teach a dog is the ‘wait’ command. It means ‘pause until further instructions.’ Not only is this command insanely useful, it does a few important things for your dog’s mentality. Wait:
teaches your dog to down regulate - to go from an excited state to a calm one.
builds the understanding that your dog needs to ‘calm down’ in order to get what they want.
reminds your dog that activities and privileges happen on your terms and you aren’t a butler who exists just to cater to them.
helps them build self control so they have a stockpile for when you really need it in more exciting situations.
reinforces the mindset a good teammate would have, one that is patient and considerate, like how if we were going somewhere together and I asked you to wait, I’m sure you could happily pause for a moment for me unless you are very self centered or a toddler.
Here are the scenarios I use a ‘wait’ command and it does so so much more than just make the activity involved easier. It builds the relationship we want with the dog we want and opens doors to the expanse of their experience as they will be able to move through the world with you comfortably.
Down Regulation
Down regulation is the process by which we go from an excited state to a calmer one, usually incrementally, as if going down a flight of stairs, step by step. When my dog is excited, instead of continuing what we are doing, I pause and embody the calm energy I want them to join me in. I don’t want to wait for a perfunctory three seconds until my dog pauses long enough for me to feel I’ve checked the training box then hurry on to the task before they break the wait because they weren’t really calm. I want to wait until I can feel or see a noticeable shift in my dog’s energy. I want to wait until my dog starts asking ‘are we ever going to go? Are we going to live at this threshold for the rest of eternity?
Luckily dogs are very present so this doesn’t take too long. Once I see my dog start to ask questions, it means their thinking brain is online and now I have a dog I can work with. An impulsive, pushy, jumping, whining, fidgeting excited dog is one who is going to ignore my light cues and might end up getting yelled at. Eek. No one wants that. When my dog lands at the bottom stair of calm, I call what I’m looking for a surrendered state, which is very soft and peaceful. I don’t want a dog that is submissive, that’s no fun. I want a dog that is surrendered, one who is okay if we do, okay if we don’t, okay now, and okay later.
The ability to go down those internal stairs quickly is contingent on how often down regulation is practiced. The more you practice pausing in excited moments - and staying still until you get a full shift to a calm energy, the faster your dog will be able to navigate that internal process in truly exciting moments out in public with lots of novelty and stimulation. If you don’t have the practice of calming down in your routine, trying to get it at the park when other dogs are around is medium hopeless and ultimately unfair to your dog. Like putting a second grader in high school, they are destined to fail.
Wait Protocol:
Embody calm
Want your dog to be calm? It starts with you. Even though you are focused on my instructions and making these shifts, try not to get tense because you dog will respond to that. Take lots of deep breaths and audibly sigh a few out. Do a body scan and relax your muscles. Feel your feet heavy on the floor and feel into the groundedness of your body. You want to feel like you are made out of marble and is also as soft as a feather pillow. After all, there is no hurry really. This is one of the times we really get to be there for our dog by just being there. Patience is key. What helps me stay out of a tense, goal oriented mindset is knowing that there is no failure unless you quit! Don’t be annoyed at your dog in their learning process. It will take as long as it takes. Practicing inconsistently is what makes it take longer. Not everyone in the house on board? That’s too bad, but your dog can absolutely make these skills handler specific - don’t let them fool you! They are smarter than we think.
Don’t stare at your dog
The problem with holding your dog with eye contact is that when you break it, they will break the wait. I need to be able to glance around , especially when opening the front door or car door to keep my dog safe. Holding eye contact is a cheat because they think they only need to stick with the wait as long as I’m staring at them. I want my dog to settle when I ask them to settle no matter where I’m looking. If you would only work when your boss was staring at your screen you probably wouldn’t keep your job. Raise that bar and be mindful of where you are staring.
Ignore the dog
Shift your attention away from your dog. Let them know that being excited is not the way to get attention or make things happen. Point your feet and/or turn your torso away, look several feet away, keeping your dog in the corner of your eye. Take a few steps away. If this doesn’t work, you can go back to what you were doing before and drop the offer all together for now.
Apply pressure
And it needs to be a type of pressure they don’t enjoy. Relaaaaaax, it’s super gentle. Things I don’t enjoy happen daily, especially when I’m being a dick, and I’m okay. I survive discomfort and they will, too. The more of a calm and thoughtful dog you have, the lighter these cues can be. Dogs who are in more of a frantic, unfocused, impulsive mindset generally may take a bit more discomfort to get on board, but these exercises will help make a big shift for them.
A correction can look like saying ‘eh-eh’ or another ‘no’ sound. It can be waving your hand at the dog or some other repetitive motion in their direction, like bending a knee towards them, marching your feet in place, giving a hard stare with pointed eyes, saying their name and/or ‘quit’ in a sharp tone, bending your torso to a different angle. It ca be as subtle as tightening your core muscles and directing a serious energy at your dog - like the energy you cultivate when you feel like someone is about to push in to a long line in front of you. As long as my dog is doing something I don’t like, it’s my job to make sure something they don’t like is happening and that the vibe sucks. The moment they stop, the pressure stops and the vibe improves!
When we begin, you may have to be quite loud with your voice, body language and energy in order to break your dog’s focus and get it back on you. That may look like a loud ‘Hey!” or moving into your dog’s space or giving some touches on the leash, always being sure to release the pressure then reapply it as needed. When a dog is very activated, you will have to be very loud in order to get your dog to hear you. Once you have your dog’s attention, you can quiet down again and show them what you’d like. This is called pressure and release. When your dog is making the wrong choice, apply pressure. When they find the right answer and you like what is happening, release the pressure so they know that staying calm instead of getting excited is the way to keep things feeling good.
Change the subject
If my dog is struggling to shift into a more patient mindset I’ll give them some brain exercises to do. I’ll ask for basic commands they have practiced to give them another job than being amped. I may walk shapes if the leash is on, asking for a heel and for the attention is takes to stick with me. We are about to go from a tight square to a figure 8 to zig zags and you better be paying attention or your toes may get squished! It’s your dog’s job to stay focused on you during the walk and most dogs I see out walking are unemployed and all the worse for it.
Forget it
If you can’t get your dog to settle, drop it. Definitely don’t let them get the thing they want and you should go back to doing something boring and ignoring them. This is the time we need to put in to training, so even if it isn’t the most convenient for your schedule today, know that once this clicks for your dog it won’t take as long moving forward. This is just the beginning of them learning what works and what doesn’t and it’s well worth sticking with it.
I call this ‘dog led’ training, which means that, in a sense, my dog gets to decide what we do! At any time they can calm down or stop being rude and we can move forward with life. If they can’t or won’t, welp, I guess we aren’t doing that thing right now! Once they get that you are always going to insist on calm attentiveness, especially at transition points, they will get on board pretty fast. The more consistent you are the better!
What does calm look like?
A calm dog isn’t necessarily one that is sitting. I’ve seen plenty of dogs sitting who are definitely not in any way calm and more like a tight coil about to spring. I actually prefer a waiting dog to be standing because it shows me that they are truly using mental effort to keep their feet from moving. Sitting can be kind of a cheat!
A calm dog will have a more grounded energy. Generally, their ears will be soft and down. Their body won’t be stiff. They will level down from standing to sitting to lying over time. Their tail will be still or in a long, slow, focused wag. If their energy was being measured by a wave meter you want to see long low loops, not short, sharp ones. They may be panting from the exertion of self control, but this will stop over time or as they settle in that moment. The more you practice tuning in, the more sensitive you will get to the quality of your dogs energy. We love our dogs so much, being connected this way is a beautiful thing and another layer of depth in the relationship that most owners never get to experience.
Here are the top exciting scenarios and my techniques for bringing the ‘wait’ command in
Going out the door for a walk
We like to say, the walk begins when the leash goes on, but really it begins the moment you decide to go for a walk. While the walk is the main event of a dog’s day, if we amp them up because we think it’s fun to be a part of their excitement, we are doing our dog and our walk a disservice. Remember, the reason I’m so successful with dogs is that I ask them to stay in a calm, thoughtful mindset. At every stage of the walk process I will pause or rewind if my dog gets overly excited.
If your dog is too excited in the house, you are setting them up to have a mess of a walk and, personally, I don’t like making myself miserable. Sometimes all it takes is standing up at a certain time of day for your dog to know it’s go time. From the process of grabbing the leash, to putting it on, to walking down the hall, to opening the door, have the riddle for your dog be getting you to keep moving forward with the process. The solution? Being calm. Put down a leash if your dog won’t calm down when you pick it up. Hold a leash for a few minutes instead of putting it on dog that is leaping around or trembling in place. Stand upright and turn away if your dog is chattering, vibrating in place, dancing around or moving when you bend to put it on.
If your dog is pulling down the hall, turn around and play a game of warmer and colder, moving deeper into the house or doing laps around the living room when they pull. Guess what? You are walking your dog for steps and mental engagement, not distance. Laps down the hallway are just as good for my purposes as going outside, it’s only my dog that suffers, but a little suffering is a good motivator to figure our sh*t out!
Once you get to the door calmly without pulling, ask you dog to wait behind you, not between you and the door, by giving a stop sign with your hand and body, saying the wait command, and doing a touch on the leash. If your dog walks forward, take a step back towards them to push them back where you wanted them. Sometimes just leaning towards them or shifting your weight should be enough.
Start by touching the doorknob enough for it to make the clicking sound but not open. This sound alone is the first excitement test and you may need to reset your dog. Staring at the floor between the dog and the door so you can see both will help you notice your dog’s activation. As you open the door slowly, if your dog pushes forwards or gets excited, close it again. Redo the hall walk if you have to. Your dog will figure out that truly staying calm is the way to make the door open.
Think if it like doggie meditation. If we had smart cars that could wait until we zen out a bit to start the ignition think what a pleasure driving would be! Not only are you doing your dog a favor and setting the right tone for the walk, they are getting a mental workout and learning to become the calm, thoughtful teammate you will love walking and working with.
Letting company in
Comings and goings in the home are exciting times for dogs. When a dog barks and runs up to the door, barges up to, or jumps on our guests, smelling them and demanding to be pet we usually say ‘oh, that’s just what dogs do!” Then we or our guests reward them with the attention they seek while in the overly excited energy than undermines so many of our training goals. In a sense that is true. I call that ‘the standard dog package.’ Unless we teach our dog otherwise, that is how they are inclined to behave in such a moment. This behavior is so ubiquitous people are used to it, even thinking the dog is excited to see them and taking it as a compliment, rewarding the behavior and ensuring it’s continuity. However, guests with small children, those with injuries, people who are scared of dogs, or are just not dog people will not look forward to coming to your home or even refuse. I know plenty of people who cite an unruly and annoying dog as the reason they won’t go see certain friends.
By guiding your dog, showing them what you want from them in those exciting moments, and ensuring that that becomes the norm through repetition and correction, it’s possible for your dogs to be excited AND still be polite. This moment also provides a perfect opportunity to practice two important concepts ‘impulse inhibition’ and ‘down regulation.’ This means that your dog will be asked to exercise the muscle of self control to help themselves resist engaging in undesirable behaviors as well as practicing going from a very excited state to a calm one.
Usually, when the doorbell rings, we are in a huge rush to get to the door and don’t think about taking a moment to address our dog or use this as a training opportunity. While you work on your dog’s door manners, I recommend asking friends to text or call you when they park, as I do with my clients. I also recommend putting a sign on your door that says, “please give us a moment to answer, we are training our dog.” The more consistent you are, the less time it will take to establish a new norm for greetings.
When you hear the doorbell, call out “one moment” and put your attention on your dog. When you start out teaching good door manners, you will need to put your dog on leash every time the door opens, ideally before the ring or knock. Every time. This is something that is 100% within your control and you are doing your dog a disservice by giving them more freedom than they can handle. Holding your dog’s collar is physically holding your dog back. It’s a way of managing the behavior in that moment, but doesn’t deter it in the future or show your dog what you do want from them. If you find yourself regularly fussing at your dog, but haven’t taken the steps I describe below, isn’t a fair dynamic. They need to have the rules explained and enforced before they can have done anything ‘wrong.’ Read over these notes and imagine how you will apply this system so you will have a plan in place before someone comes over. Literally visualize the process! It’s a huge, huge help.
Begin by asking your guests to text you when they park and have a note on your door that you are training your dog and it may take you a moment to answer. Leash your dog before opening the door every damn time until they have a 90% success rate at calm, polite greetings. If your friend texted to let you know they parked, sit on the couch as if you don’t know anything is about to happen. Verbally or with touches on the leash, let your dog know they are not to bark at the sound of a knock or the doorbell. Shift their focus off the sound and on to you in a way that lets them know you find that response undesirable. Since dogs will always bark at a sound that indicates someone is entering their domain, my rule is that it’s alright if they bark, but once I say stop, they have to stop. Super fair and leaves room for the ‘dog to be a dog’ element.
Approach the door slowly, ideally in a heel with a loose leash, keeping yourself between your dog and the door. Take a few laps down the hallway if necessary, the people outside will survive the wait, they have phones to play with. Ask your dog to stop a few feet back from the door with a verbal cue like ‘wait’ and hand signal or a little pulse on the leash. If they push forward in the door opening process, put them back behind the line you drew in your mind. Feel free to make an actual line with tape if that would help! If you don’t make it clear to your dog you want them to stop, it is natural that they will keep following you all the way up to the door, so this is an important communication on the part of the handler. With your dog locked in place, take a step forward, putting yourself between the dog and the door. With your arms fully spread the length of your wingspan, one arm open back towards the dog and the other arm open to the door knob, pulse on the leash and say ‘wait’ again since we know that hands on door knobs are exciting. Slowly open the door, closing it again if your dog barges forward.
When the door is open, start walking backwards into the house and ask your guests to follow you and come in. Walking with your dog into the house lets them know that asking them to walk with you is more important than concerning themselves with the new person. Yes! This is an important perspective flip! As long as you are meeting your dog’s need for physical and mental stimulation, your guests don’t need to be a high point or pass time for the dog. Your guests are entertainment for you!
Communicate that you are working on door manners and your guests won’t mind, I promise. Be sure to ask your company not to look at, talk to, or touch your dog and to act as if the dog isn’t there. Yes, this will be a disappointment to your dog loving friends. Yes, I know training humans is hard, but insist on it. If they interact with your dog, even by looking or talking at a distance it will make your dog’s task of staying calm much harder. Don’t let anyone punk your pet like that!
Your guest can say hello later on once your dog gets used to them and settles down. The truth is dogs don’t always greet like we do, sometimes they just enter the same space and subtly acknowledge each other - it’s humans who have trained them to greet excitedly because we love that someone is so excited to see us. A dog can smell you well enough, get used to your voice from across the house. There is no need for a direct greeting interaction and I promise their feelings will not be hurt.
Be sure to stay far enough away from your guests that even if the leash was at extension, which it shouldn’t be, it would be impossible for your dog to get close enough to touch or jump on them. If you dog can’t settle, keep walking shapes or simply standing with them across the room while your guests sit. When your dog calms down, sit on a chair away from the couch or on corner of the couch, asking your dog to stay to your side with the leash over the arm of the couch instead of on the couch, leaning or sitting on you, between your legs, under a coffee table or between the couch and coffee table. My rule is that when human legs are using the space, a dog isn’t allowed to walk between the couch and coffee table. There’s plenty of room on the other side to commute around the house!
Guide your dog to stay in the bubble where you want them to land with verbal cues or leash touches, but resist the temptation to ask them to sit or lay down. By using commands you are trying to help your dog get into a calm position possibly faster than they are ready to regulate to. I let a dog settle themselves down by staying in the zone I set for them and away from my guests. When your dog has fully regulated, they will lie down, sometimes lick or sigh, and maybe even nap.
After your dog has calmed down and is lying peacefully, drop the leash to test their state. If your dog leaps up to go greet the guests, they weren’t truly regulated and on board with the ‘don’t greet’ program, which is okay! You will learn over time to read their energy more acutely and they will learn to stay chill. If your dog is regulated and no longer fixated on greeting, now is when you can ask your guest to put a hand down and see if your dog can calmly give them a sniff and get a scratch, staying out of their personal space and off their body and coming back to you and their bubble when you ask.
Unloading from the car
Our dogs sit in the back of the car, whether that is the backseat or the very back of a hatchback. This is for safety, self regulation, as well as impulse inhibition. My dog needs to do their job of being calm and having the self control to not jump up to me, the windows, run side to side or bark at distractions. Hooking a leash around a headrest can help teach your dog to stay put while you are driving, but I don’t recommend a crate if you want your dog to learn how to be in the car calmly. The crate will manage the problem, but it won’t help them learn how to be without it. Sitting in the backseat while someone else drives will also give you more training control at first if your dog is very unruly.
Part of being a good leader is putting yourself first. When you arrive at my destination, it doesn’t matter how excited they are, your dog needs to wait while you get yourself situated. Additionally, you don’t want to let an excited dog out of the car and reward that frantic and impatient energy by giving them what they want. The reward of launching into a new place will encourage that excited energy when you bark and set you up to have a rough start wherever you are. While you get yourself ready to go, say ‘eh-eh’ if your dog is excited, pacing, whining, or barking in the car. Your dog needs to learn that it is okay to be excited, but those are not okay ways of expressing that excitement. Meet a behavior you don’t like with a behavior they don’t like to disincentivize it. This may be different for each dog as well as in different situations or at different excitement levels, so try a few types of pressure. Simply sitting in the car and waiting is a good way to start any adventure, I promise! It’s a mental workout and opportunity to practice that down regulation I keep going on about.
Once you are ready and your dog is calm enough, start to open the door. You want your dog to wait at the edge of the seat so you can get their leash on and look around the area to make sure it’s a good time to exit. Before you unload be ready to ask your to sit and wait on a loose leash once they hop out. I draw a bullseye on the ground in my mind so I know where I want my dog to land and wait. I say ‘wait’ or ‘easy’ as I open the door. If your dog looks like they are about to pounce or if they make any movement towards the door, I close it enough to make your dog hesitate or back up. “Wow! This door is SO weird! Whenever you move forward, it closes. Do you think that is related? Jeeze, maybe try sitting still and seeing if it opens all the way…”
That is an internal monologue, but your dog will get it from your energy - you want it to feel like this isn’t you being mean or strict, it’s the rules of car doors and you are just the messenger. Be careful not to talk to your dog more than is necessary. Keep tabs on your dog and only say “wait” when they look like the temptation to move forward is starting to cross their mind. It’s always easier to correct a thought than an action! Also, be sure not to hold your dog with eye contact. Look between your dog and the door instead of at your dog directly. Lastly, don’t use your body block the opening. If you are simply in the way, your dog isn’t doing the work of using self control to not jump out and that’s cheating. If that is what’s happening, the moment you move they will launch out. It’s important to step forward to block when your dog starts to move forward and then ease away a few seconds later when you feel your dog is locked in place. You can step back in if needed, but it’s their job to hold themselves in front of the open door.
When you have the car door open and feel that your dog understands they are meant to wait, pick up the end of the leash or step forward to put the leash on if it isn’t already. Again, you want your dog to be calm during this process. If your dog loses their composure, pull your hands away or turn away. “Uh oh, dogs that aren’t holding still don’t get their leash put on! This leash is funny like that… Oh no, now I’m turning away because you are too excited. If you want me to turn back, you better settle down.” This is how you teach your dog what type of energy gets rewarded and what energy moves them further from their goals and desires.
Once the leash is on properly and in your hand, step away from the car door, giving your dog room to make a mistake to be sure they aren’t staying just because you are in their way. This is a great moment to exercise a dog’s self control muscle that you don’t want to miss out on it. If they look like they are about to break or have that ‘race horse in the starting gate’ energy, I sigh, cock my hip to show I’m relaxed, give a little touch on the leash, and say, “gosh, we could be standing here forever!”
Many owners who want to practice a wait will pause, see that the dog’s body is still, then let them launch out. What we will be doing is paying close attention to their energy. The goal is to practice down regulation to get to the bottom landing of that excitement staircase where your dog sighs and says “gosh, we could be standing here forever!” That is a great mindset and the one that I wait for before I reward my dog by exiting the car. Only calm dogs get the good stuff. Really, calming down isn’t too much of a price to pay for the wonderful experiences we regularly go out of our way to give our dogs.
In conclusion
Imagine how different your outing would be if you took a moment at each threshold to wait for your dog to be totally calm? We ask for that calm wait before loading into the car, before unloading from the car, then we wait again on a loose leash after unloading. This regulates them in a new environment, putting the dog to work for you instead of allowing them to begin to look around and build excitement. It also allows you to close the door and lock your car before you start your walk.
The more you ask your dog to be in their thinking brain instead of the impulsive and instinctive brain, the easier it will be for your dog to get to that place in the future. Contrary to what you may think, this isn’t a waste of time that your dog could be exercising. The mental exertion it takes to engage their thinking brain and hold themselves back is exhausting, just like when you have a long, hard day at work and come home tired. Unlike running wild at the park or pulling you on a walk, this type of exercise is geared towards building the balanced dog you want.
The calmer my dog is, the more tuned in and sensitive he will be. This is where the term ‘dog whisperer’ came from! When you take the time to ask your dog to regulate, your dog can respond to incredibly subtle cues, such as a jingle on the leash, a sound like ‘shhh-shhh,’ a stern glance, or a shift of your weight in their direction. It’s amazing!! Having a picture in your mind of how you want those thresholds to look, holding strong to your boundaries, asking your dog to follow your cues to figure out what you’re asking for in those exciting moments, then only rewarding a calm mindset are all ways that you shape your dog’s mentality and create the dog you want.