Every dog is "reactive" (and every person is, too)

The truth is that we can all be reactive

We apply the label “reactive to a dog who behaves this way habitually, but it’s a quality present in every living being. In humans we call it ‘being triggered.’ This means that in certain situations our level headed, appropriate, and mature responses go out the window. We ‘react’ in a way we don’t want to, one that is explosive, inappropriate and causes harm. This can be because a sensitive spot (or somewhere near it) was hit in either a painful way or a way that has historically been painful and we were trying to prevent that pain. Maybe the situation reminded us of our childhood or a past trauma and our survival system kicked in, causing us to act out of character in a way we habitually used to protect ourselves. 

When these ‘reactive’ behaviors are in motion, in dogs I call this state ‘above threshold.’ We can keep our cool in most situations… except that one. We can choose a response in alignment with our values… right up until the moment we can’t. We can draw on our regulation and communication skills… until we completely forget them. Then we are sunk.

While reactivity can appear to come out of nowhere, there is usually a ‘loading’ stage before the explosion. This ‘loading’ stage is the zone in which we can exert influence to redirect or reeducate. Above threshold our only option is to attempt to contain the situation and minimize damage.

My therapist once told me that beyond our threshold we lose our steering. It can feel like an out of body experience as we watch ourselves say things we don’t like and do things we can’t stop. He said the only place where we can make a different choice is before ‘before we lose control’. In order to identify where this before the before is we need to build awareness in the process of us, essentially, going unconscious. We can review when we have behaved ‘reactively’ in the past and identify:

-our general stressors (area, type and amount)

-the problematic location, environment or setting

-the other players

-the types of interactions

-the words that were said

-the parts of us that these words touched (an emotion, value, or belief)

-any factors that remind us of a difficult experience in our past

-what was happening internally and externally before we reacted and, importantly, what was happening just before that

The way I have learned to cope with my own reactivity is with self awareness, in general of what has historically set me off and in the moment of how activated I am. I have a lot of tools I can use to regulate myself physiologically, many of which I learned and use regularly when I’m working with dogs and horses. These include deep breathing, somatic awareness, body scans, prayers or mantras I can repeat to ‘change my mind(set)’ and being in the habit of remembering to keep checking my meters and using these tools over and over, not just once.

When I can tell I’m feeling activated enough to risk losing my spot in the driver’s seat, when I struggle to remember my tools, or when the situation escalates or goes on too long (for me), I need to pause or exit. I have learned my internal warning signs so I can communicate when I’m entering the realm of reaching my limit (“heads up, I can only talk a little bit longer before I need to take a break”) and when I’m getting close to my limit (“hey, I’m at the line I don’t want to cross. I care about you and this conversation, but I have to excuse myself because I don’t want to say anything I will regret). Once I have reached my limit things get dicey quickly and I have to do what I have to do to get away.

The way we learn where that line is is by crossing it. In the process of gaining awareness, expect to cross it a few times and practice self compassion. The difference now is that we are taking those experiences and learning from them. We are gathering evidence, tracking trends, building a list of warning signs and identifying patterns. In every experience we can gain more insight and make a change. In the past I used to use each experience to build a case against myself as a terrible and unsafe person and build more shame. Turns out I wasn’t terrible, I was just forcing myself to stay somewhere I didn’t belong!

Okay, back to dogs

What’s the difference between a dog that reacts and one that is “reactive”? Whether they are capable of “not” reacting. In the presence of a trigger a reactive dog will lose their ability to be influenced or exercise self control and launch into an unmanageable and antisocial behavior cycle quickly and reliably (80% of the time or more). While many dogs reliably react and are on the reactivity spectrum, they do not deserve the label reactive. Especially since, I believe, with the right training and management this pattern is EXTREMELY easy to ease or extinguish in most dogs when the owners find the right trainer to help them.

image from Animal Humane Society

The reason I share all this is that it applies to dogs quite directly. Unlike us as independent adults that must navigate our reactivity on our own (after getting some help from a professional or loved one), our dogs rely on us to help them manage themselves. Think about the situation where your dog is “reactive”…. Maybe they:

-go from 0-100 when they bark at sounds around the house

-seem to unpredictably bark or lunge at other dogs

-snap from being your sweet pet to a cold blooded killer when they see a critter

-jump on company non-stop or frantically follow another dog around, shoving their nose wherever they can get it

Let’s say these are all situations where your dog ‘loses their mind,’ meaning that they go from acting to reacting, from thoughtful to impulsive, from controllable to uncontrollable. This is full on dangerous! Not in every moment it happens, but because the more often it happens the deeper that neural pathway is carved, meaning it could easily happen at a moment when danger is real and present - with a dog who doesn’t tolerate fools and may overcorrect with a bite, near a street when a car is coming, in an unfenced area where they can get lost, around a child they could accidentally seriously injure.

The fix

The way to address reactivity is not, as most of my clients come to me thinking, in the reactive moment or situation. If your dog freaks out when they see another dog on walks, you won’t be able to fix that on walks. Walks are the problem right now so they can’t be the solution. The place to fix it is literally everywhere else. 

All about dat base(line)

Most owners are used to seeing their dog at, let’s say, a level 5/10 on the activation scale. A 5 can jump up to a 7 or 9 pretty quickly. If I let my dog get up to a 9 I’d also be pretty helpless. What I do differently from most dog owners is insist that my dog stay at a 1-2 as a baseline. Then when stimulation comes, they jump to a manageable 3 or 5, giving me plenty of room to redirect, educate and influence them so we can hopefully avoid getting up to a 6 or higher. If we can’t hang at a 1 or 2 at home, how can we expect a dog to roll that low out of the house or when their trigger is present? When we lock in the low baseline everywhere else, our reactivity problem may end up solving itself because we just won’t get near that problematic line.

The relationship

Almost everyone I talk to doesn’t know that their behavior problem is actually a relationship problem. They love their dog So Much and they share a lot of affection and intimacy. Unfortunately, from the dog’s perspective, that relationship doesn’t have a solid foundation and it shows in the dog's attitude and behavior outside of those cuddly moments. Because the owner doesn’t set boundaries (ones that are important to the dog) the dog doesn’t respect them. Because the owner doesn’t enforce boundaries or follow through on commands, the dog doesn’t trust them to advocate for or protect them. I wish that the way we are naturally inclined to act, responsibly, lovingly and affectionately, naturally earned and fostered our dogs’ respect for us. Unfortunately it doesn’t, as evidenced by more dogs than ever struggling right now. If we want our dog to behave differently, we need to shift how they see the world. If we want to change how they see the world, we need to change how they see us.

The mindset

I rarely meet an owner who doesn’t reward excited mindset. We think an excited dog is a happy dog and we love making our dog happy. We are overjoyed that we can receive a dog’s communication and identify and fulfill their need or desire that we do so immediately, accidentally rewarding a pushy mindset and setting a standard of instant gratification. With a heart full of love we are accidentally setting our dogs up for failure in the world. These dogs don’t have an incentive or opportunity to learn how to go from stimulated to calm because we rarely ask them to in the low stakes moments of our everyday lives. Then we end up frustrated and dismayed that our dogs can’t go from excited to calm, or even unmanageable to manageable, in the moments that are disruptive and dangerous.

The home

We can’t fix the walk on the walk. There is just too much going on - too much stimulation, too many uncontrollable variables and the baseline activation level is usually too high for learning to take place. We can’t start addressing our dog's jumping when company arrives. We can’t fix barking when the mail is being put into the box. Where do we have more quiet and control? At home! Owners love to tell me that their dog is fine at home, but the truth is that the expressions of the problematic mindset at home usually aren’t a problem for them. Unfortunately these moments are a problem for their problem. 

At home we can shift our relationship with our dog by maintaining personal space boundaries, asking our dog to stay off the furniture and refrain from following us around the house, so we are setting and enforcing boundaries and earning their respect.

At home we can give our dog plenty of non negotiable opportunities to regulate out of an excited mindset by building a pause into activities and routines that are usually exciting, like feeding, leashing, opening doorways and playing. 

At home we can astutely observe our dog, learning their physical, behavioral, and energetic cues so we can identify that ‘before the before’ stage of activation in a safe and controlled environment. 

At home we can become someone our dog wants to listen to, is in the habit of listening to and, above all else, knows that they have to listen to. This isn’t mean, dominating or domineering. If you are reading this it’s because you care This Much about your dog and truly have their best interest at heart in every moment. Your dog will quickly see that and start to realize how much better life is when they just go ahead and follow your cues and do things your way. 

Want to learn how to change your perspective so you can change your behavior and change your relationship with your dog and how they see the world? Check out my eCourse and Virtual Coaching Packages. I added my Two Weeks To Trained course to the Virtual Coaching Packages so you can not only learn the theory, but see how I put it into action with Arrow the beach dog in Mexico last winter. I have been getting great results with my coaching clients and I’m so happy to be able to work with owners from anywhere in the world. They start seeing results almost immediately and that is what I want for every dog owner because our dogs deserve a better life right now!

How to pet a dog

Petting a dog may seem like the most obvious and intuitive thing in the world. Just stick your hand out and scratch them. The truth is that almost daily I see people petting dogs in a way that makes the dogs uncomfortable. In America we LOVE saying hello to each other’s dogs. Bringing a dog in public seems to have been equated with having a therapy dog on duty. People come up from out of nowhere asking to pet them - and that is the best case scenario. I have had people run, actually run, up to my dog, Harley, to pet her, pet her without my knowing it when she’s standing behind me, even pick her up when she’s off leash. I have had parents watch their children surround her when I tied her outside a coffee shop momentarily and chide me for leaving her unattended if I didn’t want such a thing to happen when I came back and expressed that the dog wasn’t comfortable and approaching an unfamiliar and unattended dog wasn’t a great idea. I see people let newly rescued dogs or young puppies be surrounded or passed around. The bar for what dogs in public have to tolerate from us humans is very high, and the bar for us humans learning about what works and doesn’t work for dogs is devastatingly low.

There is a right way and wrong way to greet a dog and if we knew how to do this, our interspecies interactions would almost certainly go better. Learn these tips and be an ambassador for this beloved species that we can keep getting to know more and more deeply.

Ask the owner if they are friendly

It’s important to check in with an owner before you go to interact with a dog. Don’t pet a dog whose owner isn’t paying attention. The dog will feel more comfortable if the owner is watching and is mentally engaged. It’s also important to get verbal permission because dogs that seem friendly aren’t always.

Get into position

Dogs read body language and I have found this posture is the best way to make them feel comfortable. 

• Slightly extend your hand down towards the dog without moving towards them

• Turn to the side so your feet point diagonally away from the dog, 

• Kneel at the knees (preferred) or bend over at the hips so you can quickly stand

• Look down at your hand or between your hand and the dog so you can keep an eye on the dog without directly looking at them

• Keep taking deep breaths and keep your muscles relaxed

Eye contact is polite for primates, but not for dogs. Averting your gaze will make a dog more comfortable, but you must only appear to do so from their perspective. Be sure you are still keeping an eye on the dog so  if they seem uncomfortable you can stand up, move backwards and remove your hand.

Read the dog’s response

• A happy dog who wants to get a pet will sniff your hand, wag its tail and move towards you. Often this sniff is enough of an interaction and I will end it there.

  • If you want to pet the dog, slowly move your hand forward and see if they continue to move towards the interaction.

  • We recommend keeping your hand in the dog’s eyeline and moving towards their shoulder instead of petting them with your hand moving down from above into their blindspot on to the back of their neck, one of the most vulnerable parts of a dog’s body. 

  • Give a quick pet (3-5 seconds) then stand up and take a step back. Always try to end the interaction on a good, calm note, before the dog gets too excited, tries to jump or lean on you, mouth your hand, or pushes further into your space.

  • The focus of this post is on petting in a way that makes a dog comfortable, but remember, even if we pet a dog for our own pleasure, it’s still a reward for the dog. If a dog gets too excited, by continuing to pet them we are rewarding a mindset that leads to behaviors that we don’t want. 

• A hesitant dog may move forward to sniff you while keeping their weight on their hind feet. Their body may be stiff or their tail may move in a low, slow wag.

  • If this is the case you can take a deep, relaxing breath and stay where you are, talking to the owner while keeping an eye on the dog in your peripheral vision. You may choose to stand up and end the interaction to show the dog that you read and respect their discomfort. 

  • Do not move closer or try to pet this dog.

• If you lean down to offer your hand to be smelled and the dog takes a step back or turns their head away, stand up and take a step back. This is respectful and the safest response.

  • A fearful dog will take a step away or move behind their owner, put their hackles up or maybe even curl their lip or growl. These are all the most obvious signals. More subtly, this dog could display whale eye, where you can see the whites of their eye, a tight facial expression, light, shallow breathing and stiff body language. 

  • Not every dog wants to be pet by a stranger and that is okay! Maybe they aren’t feeling well that day, are nervous around new people or are uncomfortable in the environment. 

By reading body language and social cues we know if a person wants to talk to us, shake our hand or is open to receiving a hug. Our dogs also send these cues, but most of us don’t know how to read them or aren’t present enough to respond appropriately.

Because so many dogs are friendly and like to meet or be pet by strangers, we assume that all dogs want to be pet. If the stranger or handler doesn't read a dog’s signals and a bite occurs, it isn’t really the dog’s fault. They likely did their best to convey that they weren’t comfortable and the bite was the final and most obvious signal in a series of signals that weren’t noticed.

Remember, don’t take it personally if a dog doesn’t want to be pet. This isn’t a reflection of you or your worth! Instead be proud of yourself for caring about dogs enough to read and respect their body language.

Like so many things in life, this acceptance is the key! If you show a dog you are tuned in to them and willing to respect their boundaries, they are more likely to relax around you and be willing to interact with you. It could even be a big step for that dog towards trusting humans in general.

Owners, advocate for your dogs in public when it comes to being pet by strangers. This is not an obligation you have by bringing your dog in public. If your dog doesn’t seem comfortable, communicate that clearly and immediately to the humans around you that are trying to interact with your dog. Don’t worry about being rude or being liked, worry about your dog’s comfort and safety. Advocation is one of the best ways to say “I love you” to your dog and be the trusted companion they need you to be.

European dogs are better (and it’s all our fault)

I have been in Italy and Switzerland for the past three weeks and one thing I noticed right away is that European dogs are better behaved than American dogs.

There seems to be slightly less dogs here, but they are in more places. Dogs in restaurants. Dogs on buses or in the train station. Dogs in shops. The dogs go everywhere with the owner, many walking on a harness with a loose leash and being very settled and calm in their mentality.

These dogs are out and about. They look around. They enjoy the scenery and smells of the world. They are having a good time. One very clear difference that explains why these dogs are so good out in public is that no one on the street stops to greet or pet them therefore they don't excitedly pull towards anyone walking by because they have no expectation of a potential reward.

This may seem counter intuitive - less attention equals more happiness? Many of the issues I see in dogs at home is that they are at a baseline of being overstimulated and overexcited. From that overexcited mindset when they are out of the house they can't make good choices socially and engage in impulsive behaviors like pulling on the leash or dragging towards objects of interest like other dogs, people, squirrels, or smells.

All the petting by strangers actually rewards that impulsive and excited mindset. First of all, dragging towards someone gets rewarded with pets so that is a behavior a dog will continue to engage in because it was successful. Second, the type of mindset that would drag is rewarded, creating positive associations with being in that mindset.

This is all because the owners or the people doing the petting don't know that most dogs they see are overexcited. They also would never think not to pet an excited dog. Why wouldn't we want to reward excitement? We as humans covet that state! This could also be because the owners don't feel comfortable risking being seen as rude by asking people not to pet their dog or to wait until their dog is calm. They may not even know how to calm their dog down!

I had heard this about Europe - that many dogs are able to walk happily next to their owners off leash through busy streets because it isn't customary to pet other people's dogs, thus the dog is able to calmly focus on his job and enjoys quite a bit more freedom than our over-pet American dogs do. Do you think a dog would rather get less pets and enjoy a life of going everywhere with their owner off leash or more pets but less outings and a life of pulling on the leash?

To be fair, I have noticed that while the European dogs are much better behaved around people, the dogs here tend to react badly when they see another dog. That same calm dog will begin barking and the owners, much like their American counterparts, will either ignore it, give a too subtle correction that goes unnoticed or unheeded by the dog or, worst of all, pet their dog in an attempt to calm them which accidentally rewards the very behavior they are trying to disincentivize.

Because dogs are primarily human companions, many dogs in today's world don't know how to dog! They don't know how to interact or how to react when they see another dog. A dog will bark either out of overexcitement, an attempt to interact or a reactive knee jerk response because they feel the other dog is a potential threat or that they need to protect their owner.

While there are actions we can and should take in the moment to dissuade our dog from barking such as giving a stern 'No' at an intensity that draws our dog's attention, creating a pulsing pressure on the leash that brings their focus back to us or giving them something else to focus on, like walking back and forth, in a circle or in a figure 8 until they settle down, I think it’s vital to look at the cause of the barking to be able to address the problem at the source and solve it instead of only managing it in the moment it occurs.

If a dog is under-socialized and doesn't know how to act around other dogs, it's our obligation as owners to socialize them. This can be done at a competent daycare, but should be begun slowly and early in their life (see our Dog Dating article for more tips).

If your dog is over excited, look at all the places in your life where you reward an excited mindset. Do you pet your dog when they are in a stimulated state or every time they solicit attention? Do you leash a dog that is barking, spinning in circles or jumping on you? Do you leave the house after your dog dragged you down the hallway? Do you feed a dog that is shoving his nose in the bowl before it can reach the ground? Do you let a dog out of the door that gets in front of you and pushes his nose into the crack the moment it opens? Does your dog leap out of the car the second the door is wide enough? Can your dog get off and stay off of furniture when asked? If you 'reward' these impulsive driven behaviors by giving the dog the thing they want of course you will get more of the same and in moments you don't want it. As trainers, we take the natural rewards of life and use them as moments to practice being calm and patient to encourage that mindset. The more a dog is asked to go from an excited state to a calm one, the more accessible and normal that calm state will be.

Finally, if your dog is reactive or feels he needs to protect you, it's important to look at how your dog perceives you and your relationship. When dogs greet each other for the first time, they immediately begin to feel each other out so they know where they fall in the social system. Often one dog will do something rude and see if the other dog submits to it, tolerates it or doesn't allow it. This gives response gives them feedback about their relationship and what they can and can't get away with when it comes to interacting with that dog. Sometimes dogs need to have this conversation over and over depending on the combination of personality types.

Back to us humans. Many behaviors that we think are cute, sweet or loving are actually, unfortunately quite rude in dog culture. They amount to a dog 'feeling us out' and seeing what they can get away with. By allowing these behaviors, or rewarding them, we show our dog that we are a sucker and they can walk all over us - often literally. When a dog sees us as a bit of a push over and feels they are 'above us' there is a downside. In their culture, being ‘above’ someone means they are responsible for them. If they are responsible for us and a potential threat, like another dog, is approaching, well, the best defense is a good offense. From here we get barking, growling, lunging, the raising of hackles and other antisocial behaviors from dogs that aren’t truly aggressive, just confused.

Luckily, the cure for this unfortunate dynamic lies within our power. If we can learn dog language and culture and shift how we respond to certain behaviors we can change how our dog sees us and the world. This will improve their lives in so many ways. While they may enjoy it, they don't 'need' unlimited love, instant gratification, affection from strangers or a lack of boundaries at home. What they most need is a sense of safety: to know that someone has their back and will advocate for them and to feel that they have a competent leader they trust to receive direction from. They don’t need an overly permissive parent to enjoy life, they need a good boss.

When I shifted my relationship with my dog from an indulgent one to a more structured one the transformation I saw in her was nothing short of miraculous. Our relationship became more subtle. There was room for her personality to come out. Her interactions with other dogs, which at the point I applied this training intervention were devastating and dangerous, became calm and confident. Honestly, remembering and writing that makes me tear up. In shifting how I interacted with my dog to a style that was more focused on what was actually good for her and less about what I wanted to be good for her or what felt good to me was love in the most pure and selfless form. It changed her life and my life, too. I'm so grateful I get to share this information with others and help improve the lives of dogs and their owners around the world.

Everyone lies on social media, even dogs!

We all know that someone's social media image isn't necessarily indicative of the reality of their life. Well, the same is true for dog photos. We, as humans, are terrible at reading dog body language and this holds true for photographs as well. 

One of the most common  misconceptions is an easy one. Panting looks a lot like smiling! When a dog is panting, it can mean they are hot, but it can also be a sign of anxiety. A few weeks ago on a bar patio someone offhandedly commented on all the happy dogs there. He saw a few dogs sitting or laying down and panting, or, to his eyes, smiling. What I saw was dogs that were warm and anxious. They were most likely uncomfortable on the rocks by the picnic table their owner was sitting at. The music from the nearby stage was likely too loud for them. Being held on leash or tied up in a public space where there are people and other dogs can be stressful. These dogs were okay, but it probably wasn't their favorite day. Dogs are good sports about most things, but if owners were able to accurately read their dog's body language, they may make different choices about when to bring a dog along and when the dog may prefer to be left home.

The truth is, we are part of the problem! The photos we choose to post online or send to owners conform to these misinterpretations. We may not post this photo to Instagram because the dogs all look so serious. Some are distracted by a sound, a few are looking at the camera, only one is panting, but because of their ear position they don't necessarily look happy. The truth is, these dogs are calm and focused on the job at hand, which is staying in the position we put them in and maintaining the stay till they are released, despite whatever that distracting sound off to the left is. Judging by their body language, these dogs would be able to be calmly released from the pose and continue on with the hike without too much fuss (meaning us fussing at them).

Don't these dogs look happier? I don't know how long we were hiking before this photo or how warm it was that day, but the truth is they are probably hot.

Check out Nell's expression in this photo. She looks so serious! The truth is that she is calm and focused. Her ears are perked and her tail is up, telling me that she is perfectly content. 

Beware the lie of the tail - not every wag is a happy one. A slow deliberate wag can be a sign of discomfort. A tail that is out and up, but stiff can also be a sign of tension. In both of those scenarios, I may try to get my dog's attention or shift the situation so my dog feels more comfortable.

Nell is a Rhodesian Ridgeback so she has a stripe of hair that grows in the opposite direction along her spine. On any other breed of dog, the look of her back would indicate discomfort and be referred to as 'having her hackles up'. It's the body's version of growling. 

For me, when it comes to what I want to see from my dog, I care more about a calm energy and mentality than them looking happy. Wouldn't it be weird if you had a friend that was smiling all the time? Like, all the time? Well, intermittently riling our dogs up so their affect conforms to our perception of happiness can be detrimental to your dog's mental health and general obedience. I mean, I get it. These dogs really do look a bit blue or grumpy, but this is a place we have to retrain our brains so that our perception of our dogs more closely matches the reality. While I wouldn't post these pictures because they don't match our idea of a happy dog, this is, in actuality, more of the look I want the dogs who are with me to have.