Dog Dating: How to Pick the Right Playmate
Let’s face it, socializing is harder than it’s ever been in every way. This means we have to be intentional about finding the right way to socialize our dogs.
As some of you know, dog trainers don’t love dog parks. If your only opportunity to socialize was a rave or a packed party where the guests are doing parkour off each other, I doubt most of you would be pumped to go out. I certainly wouldn’t! I’m more of a one on one quality time visit or casual walk in the park person, as many of our dogs are.
Unless your dog has reliable recall and is safe on hiking trails, in unfenced areas where dogs gather, or the unofficial neighborhood dog parks you may stumble on during one of your walks, that leaves greeting dogs on leash on walks, but that can be tricky, too! The leash can feel restrictive for a lot of dogs and, with so few dogs who are well versed in dog body language, the usual greeting I see, one that begins with stiff, statue like body language or dogs rushing towards each other, isn’t the ideal way for dogs to begin a conversation and can lead to less than positive experiences.
So, how do you socialize your puppy?
I have my clients with puppies go on dates. Dog dates! Finding the right playmate for your dog is a lot like dating. You need to set some parameters to narrow down the options, make your best selection and give a few a try before you find the right pal. In an ideal world this is a friend or someone in your neighborhood and also someone you can trade dog watching with when you go out of town so you don’t need to pay or send your dog to a boarding facility.
Step 1) What are you looking for? You want to pick a puppy that is about the same size and around the same age or old enough to know manners but not so old they aren’t into puppy play time. Every dog is different, but up to 2 or 3yr old dogs are usually very playful and would enjoy a puppy.
Step 2) Find somewhere to post. This could be your neighborhood facebook group, Nextdoor.com, a sign in front of your house (why not?), or a shout out in a social network. Use your groups! Reach out to your community! Ideally find someone with a playful dog who lives within walking distance. The post can be something like:
“Our new puppy needs some dog time! Our pup, NAME, is a WEIGHT, AGE, BREED. He loves to ACTIVITY and seems to play LEVEL. We are doing some training and daily exercise and want to be sure they have time to be a dog and play. If you have a puppy or older dog who loves puppies we’d love to set up a date and see if it’s a match!”
-If you have a fenced yard and can host, mention that. Ideally someone has one, especially if your puppy isn’t fully vaccinated. You can also buy a long line and meet in an easement in your neighborhood or quiet park. I like to check out the satellite map and look for big areas of green nearby then go investigate. And I have found some magical greenbelts that way!
-It’s best to keep dog play out of the house where they have plenty of space and the host dog is less likely to be territorial of their bed, toys, bowls or where their food is kept. There is no reason to bring the dogs inside together or let them interact near the doorway.
Getting ready for your date
Don’t be nervous! Just like in dating, the point isn’t to be liked by everyone, it’s to find the right fit. Tell your dog to be themselves, but the best version of themselves. To help the dogs out in this goal suggest that you both go for a good long walk separately earlier in the day to take off the wild edge. If you tell the other owner you will be taking your dog on a walk before the dogs meet for this reason, hopefully they will pick up the hint and do the same, but I tend to be more direct and specifically request it. Blame me! “My trainer said….” This walk will burn the top layer of energy off so your dog can use their brain instead of being full of energy as well as overwhelmed by excitement at the chance to play. Remember - play dates are not a substitute for exercise! That is part of the reason dog parks are so problematic, people use them as a way to avoid taking walks.
Start with a walk
In fact we suggest that you then begin your date with a walk. Yes! Another walk! This is how we introduce dogs to set ourselves up for success.
Don’t let the dogs greet right away, but walk in the same direction together at a 6’ or more distance.
Begin with one dog on the sidewalk and the other in the street. Have the handlers hold the dogs on the outside, far apart with the humans near each other.
Even though the dogs will be excited, keep walking forward until they calm down.
You can reward calmer energy with a greeting.
Not saying hello right away gives the dogs a chance to get used to each other before they greet, taking some pressure off that initial sniff. When we want to be sure that dogs get along, this is the way we introduce them. Think of it as a best practice.
Let the dogs greet on a loose leash (no holding pressure while they say hello!) and do a quick sniff sniff, getting back to walking before play or a power dynamic can begin. If one dog is more interested and the other starts to feel overwhelmed that isn’t ideal. We also don’t want the puppies to launch into play on leash.
Did you know that in dog culture it’s polite to sniff for no more than 3 seconds then dip your head away, giving the other dog a chance to disengage or re-engage in the interaction? No? Most dogs don’t either! We touch the leash every three seconds, applying pressure until our dog dips their nose away, then we release the pressure and let the interaction continue.
On the walk back to the house the dogs can be on the inside and the humans can walk a bit closer with COVID safety in mind. If your pup isn’t fully vaccinated you can mimic this walk process in the front or back yard.
What we really really try to avoid is greeting in doorways. That can lead to trouble, especially if the dog whose home it is feels at all protective over the space and unsure about the excited newcomer.
Either in the yard or on the street, keep the dogs on leash and keep them moving, giving them something to focus on other than each other.
Greeting this way is life changing! The dogs won’t always want to play with each other, or even get along, but you will know you did what you could to set yourself up for success every time. It is even a good way to begin future playdates, not just the first greeting. Since other owners won’t know this super pro tip, it will be up to you to take charge and lead the way. Just say your trainer told you to ;)
Curious how to guide a dog to positive play?
Check out this video of puppies getting one of their first socialization dates to see how I manage them.
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Socialization isn’t all about play
Socialization isn’t all about play anymore than dating is all about being physically intimate. It’s important that puppies learn to be around other dogs in many ways - interacting directly or co-playing side by side, dogs who love other dogs and dogs who don’t. Sometimes this means not playing and respecting another dog’s boundaries, but that can be just as hard as not texting someone new who you are really excited about.
A lot of people ‘leave it to the dogs’ to teach each other, but this unfortunately doesn’t work as well as we’d like it to. The same way many people struggle to be direct and assertive, especially when they are being bullied or overwhelmed, many dogs don’t have the personality or social know how to say “Hell No” when it’s needed, and that is where we as responsible owners step in. This takes us being present, reading our dogs behavior, body language and energy as well as having the courage to risk being seen as impolite when we quietly intervene. Those are some big challenges right there!
If one dog is shy or nervous, take the pressure off the interaction by playing with the other dog or having each owner play with their own dog near each other. I like to keep a nervous dog on leash because the leash gives me some control. It also gives my dog a confidence boost since we are connected and they know that means I’m in charge. This responsibility means that I will have to step in and help my nervous pup tell another dog to back off if that is necessary. A good rule of thumb is to have both dogs on leash and go for a walk or hang out, letting the nervous pup initiate a sniff when they are ready.
But it also is!
We want the dogs to play with each other to get social skills and to be a dog. The fact that play is a great outlet for energy is a bonus. Don’t forget that this is the order of importance! When we hold this perspective, it’s easier to keep things calm, take breaks and end the playdate before anything has a chance to go sideways.
What is polite play? We had a pack of up to 14 dogs go on off leash hikes with us every weekday and we learned a lot about what kind of behavior in play was prosocial and what led to trouble. You know the stereotype of telling kids “you better calm down before someone loses an eye?” What they are commenting on is that when kids get to playing too rough for too long, they go out of control and are at risk of getting hurt. The same is true for dogs.
Our rules:
Good play involves taking breaks. Dogs who play nicely have the energy of ‘romp, romp, pause. Romp, romp, pause’ instead of ‘runrunrunrurnrunrunrunrunrun.’
At first, the dogs may need to try some things and figure out where they fall. This could involve being a little rude to see what they will get away with. Dogs test their boundaries reliably and early. It’s important to allow a little bit of this, but not let it get out of hand
Displacement Behaviors mean “I need a break, or I am not interested”
Yawning
“Whale eye” looking out of the corner of their eye, instead of directly at the other dog.
Sniffing or getting a drink of water
Scratching, gator roll itching
Lip licking, their own or the mouth of the other dog
Shaking off
Uro-genital checks
Sit down
Hackles up (doesn’t always mean danger)
Warning signals mean “I’m done”
Freeze, this can include an upright stiffly wagging tail
Lip curl
Growl
Tuck tail and run
Hide
Hypersalivation
More than one correction between dogs (do not scold the dog giving the correction, call the dog receiving the correction away)
Hackles up (sometimes it does)
Our no-no’s are:
Body checking - where one dog crashes into another like a football tackle
Humping
Pawing at or putting paws on another dog
Mouth on another dog, especially the neck (parallel mouths okay, perpendicular mouths not allowed).
Herding or nipping at heels
Putting a neck over another dog’s back, standing over another dog (a dog’s airspace is part of their body! Harley doesn’t like a dog standing over her)
Pinning a dog in a corner, or under something
Running wild, while beautiful, often precedes poor decisions
If a game of chase ensues it should be interrupted after 2 revolutions
The longer dogs play, the more intense it gets. Step in to encourage breaks if the dogs don’t take them naturally
Bullying
Does it look like one dog is on the offensive and the other dog is on the defensive? I like to check in and see if the quieter dog is interested in play or if they are just doing their best to fend off a play attack by grabbing the collar of the more exuberant dog and seeing what the other one does. Do they take the opportunity to move away or do they come back and re-engage?
Treats, bones, food and other resources
When I take Harley to a friend’s house, I always ask if they free feed their dog. Whether food is in the bowl or not, Harley will immediately follow her nose and trot over to where the other dog (or cat!) gets fed to try her luck. It is natural for a dog to feel protective over their food, so I try to control Harley, asking her to come away from that area, and I watch the other dog’s body language and energy. Definitely pick up a bowl with food in it, and maybe pick up an empty bowl if the dog looks uncomfortable. Also, shoo them out of the kitchen to prevent an issue. Safe practices around resources is our responsibility to manage, not a dog’s responsibility to figure out.
Dogs can be possessive over high value toys, especially raw hides, horns, chews, bully sticks. Harley will immediately go over to the bully stick she has turned her nose up at for months when another dog comes over, not wanting them to have it. It is good practice to pick up any toys or bones when a new dog is coming over or dogs are not being monitored.
Sometimes I will give dogs a bully stick or marrow bone as a treat or a way to coplay that doesn’t involve interacting with each other. A good rule of thumb is to have one more toy on the ground than there are dogs. Ain’t it just the way it goes that another dog’s bone looks better than yours? We’ve all been there. Expect the dogs to rotate bones and tempt each other off one toy using another. Be ready to step in and say ‘eh-eh’ to a dog that is standing near another dog chewing or redirect him back to his own bone or the spare that you have laying out because you took my sage advice on this matter.
Generally, the best practice is to not have food or bones around when new dogs are getting to know each other or when they are unattended. There is no need to add that level of stress to an interaction and I consider giving dogs a treat that takes more than one bite to eat advanced. In fact, even having treats on you can make your dog possessive over you and start guarding you from the other dog, introducing a dynamic you don’t want. Leave the treats in the cupboard - being outside and enjoying playtime is treat enough.
Resource Guarding
It isn’t just bones, dogs can get possessive over their bed, ‘their’ house, a toy they love, a toy they have never shown interest in, even you! Think of it like walking up and putting your hand on your partner’s shoulder when they have been chatting to an attractive person for a while. We’ve all done that or seen it done, probably unconsciously, and it is a way of indicating ownership. Some degree of guarding is understandable, but it’s up to you to be the ‘owner’ of all things and set boundaries with your dog over what they are allowed to be possessive over, which is ultimately only their personal space, and even that isn’t always true.
When I used to board dogs, Harley would follow a new dog around the house, warning them they better stay away from certain things or areas. Harley was not just being possessive, she was laying the groundwork for setting up their relationship dynamic and correcting their excited energy. I would correct her if she was crossing the line and I later adjusted my system to have a new dog on leash in the house until the dogs established a dynamic and until they could walk around calmly.
My approach to resource guarding is that prevention is the best cure. Pick up anything your dog may guard before the other dog comes. Put away anything your dog is guarding. If that means you can’t play with balls during this playdate, that is okay. If your dog needs to be corrected, do it. Let your dog know they are out of line. This will build his trust in you and help reiterate that it’s no fun to act bigger than your britches.