Every dog is "reactive" (and every person is, too)

The truth is that we can all be reactive

We apply the label “reactive to a dog who behaves this way habitually, but it’s a quality present in every living being. In humans we call it ‘being triggered.’ This means that in certain situations our level headed, appropriate, and mature responses go out the window. We ‘react’ in a way we don’t want to, one that is explosive, inappropriate and causes harm. This can be because a sensitive spot (or somewhere near it) was hit in either a painful way or a way that has historically been painful and we were trying to prevent that pain. Maybe the situation reminded us of our childhood or a past trauma and our survival system kicked in, causing us to act out of character in a way we habitually used to protect ourselves. 

When these ‘reactive’ behaviors are in motion, in dogs I call this state ‘above threshold.’ We can keep our cool in most situations… except that one. We can choose a response in alignment with our values… right up until the moment we can’t. We can draw on our regulation and communication skills… until we completely forget them. Then we are sunk.

While reactivity can appear to come out of nowhere, there is usually a ‘loading’ stage before the explosion. This ‘loading’ stage is the zone in which we can exert influence to redirect or reeducate. Above threshold our only option is to attempt to contain the situation and minimize damage.

My therapist once told me that beyond our threshold we lose our steering. It can feel like an out of body experience as we watch ourselves say things we don’t like and do things we can’t stop. He said the only place where we can make a different choice is before ‘before we lose control’. In order to identify where this before the before is we need to build awareness in the process of us, essentially, going unconscious. We can review when we have behaved ‘reactively’ in the past and identify:

-our general stressors (area, type and amount)

-the problematic location, environment or setting

-the other players

-the types of interactions

-the words that were said

-the parts of us that these words touched (an emotion, value, or belief)

-any factors that remind us of a difficult experience in our past

-what was happening internally and externally before we reacted and, importantly, what was happening just before that

The way I have learned to cope with my own reactivity is with self awareness, in general of what has historically set me off and in the moment of how activated I am. I have a lot of tools I can use to regulate myself physiologically, many of which I learned and use regularly when I’m working with dogs and horses. These include deep breathing, somatic awareness, body scans, prayers or mantras I can repeat to ‘change my mind(set)’ and being in the habit of remembering to keep checking my meters and using these tools over and over, not just once.

When I can tell I’m feeling activated enough to risk losing my spot in the driver’s seat, when I struggle to remember my tools, or when the situation escalates or goes on too long (for me), I need to pause or exit. I have learned my internal warning signs so I can communicate when I’m entering the realm of reaching my limit (“heads up, I can only talk a little bit longer before I need to take a break”) and when I’m getting close to my limit (“hey, I’m at the line I don’t want to cross. I care about you and this conversation, but I have to excuse myself because I don’t want to say anything I will regret). Once I have reached my limit things get dicey quickly and I have to do what I have to do to get away.

The way we learn where that line is is by crossing it. In the process of gaining awareness, expect to cross it a few times and practice self compassion. The difference now is that we are taking those experiences and learning from them. We are gathering evidence, tracking trends, building a list of warning signs and identifying patterns. In every experience we can gain more insight and make a change. In the past I used to use each experience to build a case against myself as a terrible and unsafe person and build more shame. Turns out I wasn’t terrible, I was just forcing myself to stay somewhere I didn’t belong!

Okay, back to dogs

What’s the difference between a dog that reacts and one that is “reactive”? Whether they are capable of “not” reacting. In the presence of a trigger a reactive dog will lose their ability to be influenced or exercise self control and launch into an unmanageable and antisocial behavior cycle quickly and reliably (80% of the time or more). While many dogs reliably react and are on the reactivity spectrum, they do not deserve the label reactive. Especially since, I believe, with the right training and management this pattern is EXTREMELY easy to ease or extinguish in most dogs when the owners find the right trainer to help them.

image from Animal Humane Society

The reason I share all this is that it applies to dogs quite directly. Unlike us as independent adults that must navigate our reactivity on our own (after getting some help from a professional or loved one), our dogs rely on us to help them manage themselves. Think about the situation where your dog is “reactive”…. Maybe they:

-go from 0-100 when they bark at sounds around the house

-seem to unpredictably bark or lunge at other dogs

-snap from being your sweet pet to a cold blooded killer when they see a critter

-jump on company non-stop or frantically follow another dog around, shoving their nose wherever they can get it

Let’s say these are all situations where your dog ‘loses their mind,’ meaning that they go from acting to reacting, from thoughtful to impulsive, from controllable to uncontrollable. This is full on dangerous! Not in every moment it happens, but because the more often it happens the deeper that neural pathway is carved, meaning it could easily happen at a moment when danger is real and present - with a dog who doesn’t tolerate fools and may overcorrect with a bite, near a street when a car is coming, in an unfenced area where they can get lost, around a child they could accidentally seriously injure.

The fix

The way to address reactivity is not, as most of my clients come to me thinking, in the reactive moment or situation. If your dog freaks out when they see another dog on walks, you won’t be able to fix that on walks. Walks are the problem right now so they can’t be the solution. The place to fix it is literally everywhere else. 

All about dat base(line)

Most owners are used to seeing their dog at, let’s say, a level 5/10 on the activation scale. A 5 can jump up to a 7 or 9 pretty quickly. If I let my dog get up to a 9 I’d also be pretty helpless. What I do differently from most dog owners is insist that my dog stay at a 1-2 as a baseline. Then when stimulation comes, they jump to a manageable 3 or 5, giving me plenty of room to redirect, educate and influence them so we can hopefully avoid getting up to a 6 or higher. If we can’t hang at a 1 or 2 at home, how can we expect a dog to roll that low out of the house or when their trigger is present? When we lock in the low baseline everywhere else, our reactivity problem may end up solving itself because we just won’t get near that problematic line.

The relationship

Almost everyone I talk to doesn’t know that their behavior problem is actually a relationship problem. They love their dog So Much and they share a lot of affection and intimacy. Unfortunately, from the dog’s perspective, that relationship doesn’t have a solid foundation and it shows in the dog's attitude and behavior outside of those cuddly moments. Because the owner doesn’t set boundaries (ones that are important to the dog) the dog doesn’t respect them. Because the owner doesn’t enforce boundaries or follow through on commands, the dog doesn’t trust them to advocate for or protect them. I wish that the way we are naturally inclined to act, responsibly, lovingly and affectionately, naturally earned and fostered our dogs’ respect for us. Unfortunately it doesn’t, as evidenced by more dogs than ever struggling right now. If we want our dog to behave differently, we need to shift how they see the world. If we want to change how they see the world, we need to change how they see us.

The mindset

I rarely meet an owner who doesn’t reward excited mindset. We think an excited dog is a happy dog and we love making our dog happy. We are overjoyed that we can receive a dog’s communication and identify and fulfill their need or desire that we do so immediately, accidentally rewarding a pushy mindset and setting a standard of instant gratification. With a heart full of love we are accidentally setting our dogs up for failure in the world. These dogs don’t have an incentive or opportunity to learn how to go from stimulated to calm because we rarely ask them to in the low stakes moments of our everyday lives. Then we end up frustrated and dismayed that our dogs can’t go from excited to calm, or even unmanageable to manageable, in the moments that are disruptive and dangerous.

The home

We can’t fix the walk on the walk. There is just too much going on - too much stimulation, too many uncontrollable variables and the baseline activation level is usually too high for learning to take place. We can’t start addressing our dog's jumping when company arrives. We can’t fix barking when the mail is being put into the box. Where do we have more quiet and control? At home! Owners love to tell me that their dog is fine at home, but the truth is that the expressions of the problematic mindset at home usually aren’t a problem for them. Unfortunately these moments are a problem for their problem. 

At home we can shift our relationship with our dog by maintaining personal space boundaries, asking our dog to stay off the furniture and refrain from following us around the house, so we are setting and enforcing boundaries and earning their respect.

At home we can give our dog plenty of non negotiable opportunities to regulate out of an excited mindset by building a pause into activities and routines that are usually exciting, like feeding, leashing, opening doorways and playing. 

At home we can astutely observe our dog, learning their physical, behavioral, and energetic cues so we can identify that ‘before the before’ stage of activation in a safe and controlled environment. 

At home we can become someone our dog wants to listen to, is in the habit of listening to and, above all else, knows that they have to listen to. This isn’t mean, dominating or domineering. If you are reading this it’s because you care This Much about your dog and truly have their best interest at heart in every moment. Your dog will quickly see that and start to realize how much better life is when they just go ahead and follow your cues and do things your way. 

Want to learn how to change your perspective so you can change your behavior and change your relationship with your dog and how they see the world? Check out my eCourse and Virtual Coaching Packages. I added my Two Weeks To Trained course to the Virtual Coaching Packages so you can not only learn the theory, but see how I put it into action with Arrow the beach dog in Mexico last winter. I have been getting great results with my coaching clients and I’m so happy to be able to work with owners from anywhere in the world. They start seeing results almost immediately and that is what I want for every dog owner because our dogs deserve a better life right now!

How to avoid shoving your dog (or why corrections are kind)

I try not to give unsolicited advice or judge my friends when I’m around them & their dogs. For the most part the dogs truly are good enough, but they aren’t all necessarily what I would call trained. (As a preface - this article features photos of my friends’ amazing dogs that have joined me on hikes and are pretty darn good!)

One thing I’ve noticed is that our beloved pet dogs are pushed and dragged and get in trouble a lot. The owners spend a lot of time being affectionate, but not very much time laying a groundwork for training language or communicating how they want life to look. They fix what’s happening in the moment, but not in a way that teaches their dog what they want in general.

Kudu

My friend absolutely loves her two small doodles and is fine with them being just a little trained. Ultimately, as long as the dogs are safe and minimally annoying to be around, if she’s happy, I’m happy. One day we were doing a project on her living room floor when the younger dog walked over to us and right on to our workspace and supplies. My friend immediately and absentmindedly shoved her dog off with a swift sweep of her arm. No ‘out’ command. No directional hand signal. No attempt to communicate.

I was really taken aback when I saw this happen. Like, really shocked and upset. I had to carefully consider why that would surprise me so much. I took the time to build a language with my dog and a relationship in which she is mostly observant to my cues & respects my communications. I was surprised by how aggressive it seemed to me to shove a dog with no communication or warning. Unless the situation we were in was dangerous, I would never shove my dog. Ideally no one would.

Luna

From the dog’s perspective, sitting on the floor is usually an invitation to interact. Most of the time, accepting that invitation is well received by affectionate owners who pet their dog whenever it comes up to them. Looking at the situation from the dog's perspective, how was she supposed to know this time was different? How could the dog have avoided getting shoved?

Building communication and respect with a dog involves giving a lot of guidance as well as some corrections. These corrections are designed to make a dog temporarily uncomfortable so they associate the discomfort they feel with the behavior we deemed dangerous or otherwise undesirable. They also are designed as building blocks to the end goal of creating a language and relational system that decreases the need for corrections over time. My friend got done what she needed to get done in the moment - the dog was moved - but in this case the dog experienced discomfort and wasn’t set up to learn anything about how to avoid it in the future.

When I begin an interaction with a dog where I need them to do something, I make sure I get the dog’s attention. This is a key step that is often missed. Then I embody an ‘on the job’ energy so the dog knows something is being asked of them. I give a clear verbal and/or directional cue, saying just one word they know and not a sentence of human talk. I visualize what I want my dog’s response to be. After that I wait a beat, which is 1/2 a second to 2 or 3 seconds, giving my dog a chance to process my communication and decide what to do.

If my dog completes the command with little or no hesitation I reward them with the relaxation of my energy, a ‘good dog’ and/or a little scratch.

Heidi

If they don’t complete the command, I determine if it’s because they didn’t understand or they are being obstinate. If they may not be clear on what I’m asking, I repeat the instruction with more guidance, like a hand signal or by repositioning myself. If they're having an obstinate moment I may increase my energy and move closer to add pressure. I’ll keep doing this until I get the outcome I want, then relax and reward or even simply shift my attention away from them to remove the discomfort they felt a moment before.

Sometimes the pressure is in the form of a touch, but only following multiple commands and combined with other cues. My dog will learn that I touch them in a not super pleasant way when they ignore a command. It will never be in a way that could cause harm, just sufficient annoyance (you know, kind of like what you feel when your dog continues to do the stuff you wish they would stop doing). This touch is usually a light pulsing pressure to help the dog make the choice to move away without doing moving them myself by pushing them. If necessary I’ll guide a dog with pulsing pressure on the collar in the direction I want them to go, associating the action with the initial command by repeating it and the directional cue (such as pointing).

Bootsie

These days people bristle at the thought of intentionally causing a dog any discomfort. Part of it is this generation's zeitgeist dog training myth that rewards can solve every problem. They can't. Part of it is projection. We don’t like that most of our lessons come through discomfort and consequences, so we try to shield our dog from that. Of course we don’t like causing our dog discomfort, however when it’s done intentionally that discomfort is proportional and temporary. When we abstain from guiding our dog’s behavior through deliberate corrections, we unintentionally double the discomfort they experience - the discomfort of the natural consequence of the behavior -like pulling on the leash or getting too excited to make good choices - as well as the discomfort of our usually too harsh and, from their perspective, out of nowhere reaction.

In the situation in my friend’s living room, I would have done a few things very differently. First of all, I would have made sure my dog had sufficient exercise so she wouldn’t be as excited about involving herself in my human tasks at home. As I sat down I would I’d glance at my dog to see if she’s interested or not, knowing that action could be misinterpreted as an invitation. If she started coming over, I’d give a light ‘eh-eh’ sound, put up my hand like a stop sign and tense my energy to let her know that wasn’t the right move. If she kept moving towards us I’d repeat the verbal cue and go from the stop sign cue to waving my hands gently in a ’shoo’ movement. If that still didn’t work I would start getting up, as if to walk into her space and move her out of mine (I have found usually just acting like I’m about to get up is enough to make the point). When she gives up and goes back to her spot I can reward that choice with a light, sing-songy ‘good girl’ and go back to what I was doing knowing that my dog is in place, at least for now.

Be kind to your dog by learning some training techniques so you can give commands and apply pressure effectively. Guide your dog’s behavior in each moment in a way that builds their understanding for future situations. Make the effort to deliberately apply the training techniques, even when they are hard to wrap your head around in the beginning or when they take a bit longer that you’d like to produce results. Be aware enough of your actions to anticipate situations where your dog may make mistake. Be aware enough of your dog to give them cues before they make the mistake to help prevent it. Notice the first few steps of a bad idea and give your dog a chance to listen to the commands you already taught them. If all that doesn’t work, use as little pressure as possible or as much pressure as necessary to guide them out of a behavior or situation you don’t want and into a behavior you do want. Last step: repeat as needed and enjoy life with a companion and teammate you can communicate with.

How to know when it's time to let go

“Dogs, lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you're going to lose a dog, and there's going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can't support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There's such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware that it comes with an unbearable price. Maybe loving dogs is a way we do penance for all the other illusions we allow ourselves and the mistakes we make because of those illusions.”

Dean Koontz - The Darkest Evening of the Year

When we get a dog we accept one sad fact - that we will outlive them. It’s something we don’t like to talk about or think about, but we know it in the back of our minds. We let the knowledge of this fact prompt us to be present and enjoy every moment together. 

An important part of loving our dogs is giving them a peaceful and graceful end of life. Instead, with a heart full of love, many well intentioned owners keep their dogs alive too long with uncomfortable medical interventions and only take the final step of euthanasia when their hand is forced instead of at a more compassionate time.

As my own dog gets older I’m learning about how the needs of a dog change with passing years. I’m making sure to keep Harley’s teeth clean, get yearly senior blood panels, keep her fit while being considerate of her diminishing stamina, and advocating for her when we are out in public by keeping large, excited puppies away from her so she doesn’t get hurt.

It’s important to start thinking about your end of life plan for your pet before you need to. When your dog gets older or ill, emotions will be running high and you won’t be able to think clearly. The most important thing to be guided by is their comfort and quality of life. My friend who recently lost his dog commented that he wished there was more advocacy for his dog’s comfort at his final diagnostic vet appointment. They offered to do tests and treatments, but didn’t talk about how to navigate the dying process with the dog's best interest leading the way.

Quality of Life

As your dog ages, keep checking in on their quality of life. Usually the decline is very gradual and shifts over time can be hard to notice day to day. It can help to compare their behavior not to yesterday or last week, but several months before as a way of checking in. 

Dogs are prone to hiding their pain or don’t express it in ways that we intuitively understand. These behaviors may indicate a dog is in pain:

• Irregular behavior patterns

• A higher than normal anxiety level

• Excessive panting or gasping for breath

• No longer enjoying or seeking out contact with you and the rest of the family

• Reluctance to move or consistent pacing especially at night; restlessness

• Avoidance of their favorite activities

• Changes in the dynamic between them and other pets in the house

• Seeking out unusual places to sleep or hide

While vets can offer painkillers that can manage pain, because it’s so hard for dogs to communicate the level or location of their pain, this isn’t as safe or sustainable of a long term option for dogs as it is for humans. 

It’s also a good idea to have a dollar number in mind of how much you are able to invest in your dog’s treatment or care. When considering potential testing or treatments, it’s important to consider the dog’s age, the invasiveness of the treatment, the potential side effects, probability of improvement and to weigh the costs and benefits. You can also consider alternative therapies like massage, acupuncture, chiropractic treatments, physical therapy and CBD as a way to improve or manage their quality of life. 

When things get hard

As dog’s age, there will often be a sudden decline. This is usually marked by a lack of interest in food and subsequent weight loss, drop in energy level, trouble breathing or moving around, change in coat or hygiene habits, and less frequent urination or incontinence. When you notice these symptoms, track them using a journal. You’ll want to keep track of bathroom activities, feeding time and amounts and any symptoms. 

At this time it’s a good idea to contact some in home euthanasia services so you have options arranged when the time comes. A trip to the vet can cause a dying dog additional stress, so having them euthanized at home is preferable even though the cost is higher. 

How to know when it’s time

Very few dogs die a natural and peaceful death. That is unfortunately an extremely rare way to go. You will most likely need to monitor your dog closely and decide when and how to euthanize them. Preventing your dog from having undue suffering and maximizing the enjoyment they have left should be your guiding pillars. Vets say that it is far better to be one week or one month too early than to be one or two days too late. This is a time where we truly need to put our dogs’ well being ahead of our own.

Remember, your dog is likely to hide their pain and to do what they have done their whole lives, try to please you. That means seeming more okay than they are and staying around for you. It’s important you know your bar for suffering before this stage so you can make the call you need to at the appropriate time. Afraid to end their pet’s life too early, many people wait too long, until the end is absolutely undeniably upon them and there is no other choice. This can involve a dog having seizures or other traumatic medical experiences that are ultimately unnecessary. It may be time to book the appointment when your dog shows:  

-lack of enjoyment in activities

-incontinence

-struggling to stand or walk 

-restlessness

-refusal to eat or drink

The OSU and ‘HHHHHMM’ Quality of Life scales can help you evaluate your dog’s quality of life using barometrics that can help take emotions out of the equation and make the decision somewhat less subjective.

Caring for a dying pet can take a toll on the caregiver as well. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. Be sure to eat, rest and ask for support. That can be in the form of people checking on you, helping to gather supplies, or attend to your pet so you can rest or run errands. 

Enjoying the last few days

Keeping your dog’s limitations in mind, help them enjoy their final days. The best gift you can give your dog in life and death is your presence. Resist the urge to self soothe with TV or social media and simply ‘be’ with them. You can lay a blanket in your yard and relax in the sun, take them for a car ride, feed them people food, go to the park, invite human and dog friends to come see them, let them smell all the smells and pee on everything they want to. 

Animals communicate nonverbally, so take this time to sit with your dog and hold some of your favorite memories in your mind and heart. Look through old photos and tell them stories of some of your favorite days together. Cry when you have to, but remember to hold a beautiful vision of your life together, of a peaceful transition, and of a future in which they return to oneness with all things beyond their physical form. A friend of mine likes to say of his dogs that passed “they are closer to me than ever.” While death is an ending, it isn’t the ending and your pet will always be in your heart.

Preparing your space

Doing the procedure at home is preferable to bringing your dog to a vet. You don’t have to transport them at this stage and they will be comfortable in a familiar environment. When your dog starts to decline, call around and talk to a few in home euthanasia services in your area so you know the prices and availability for when you are ready to book your appointment. Know that once the professional arrives at your house the process will be very fast so say your goodbyes before they arrive. 

You want your dog to have a comfortable place to lay. There is a chance they will release their bowels or bladder, so be prepared for that by laying garbage bags or a tarp below the towel or blanket they are on. Move furniture so that the professional and your family will have enough room to maneuver around. If your dog is still taking food, you may want to offer them some bacon or meat before or during the procedure.

While vets will give you the option to leave the room, we recommend that you stay with your dog so they can die in your arms. Vets say that when owners choose to leave the dog usually looks for them and is more distressed. After years of loyalty and affection, we owe it to our dogs to offer them all the comfort we can in their final moments, even if it is hard for us. 

What happens after

You have a few options when it comes to your dog’s remains. You can bury them on your or a friend’s property, put them in a pet cemetery, have them cremated, or have the vet or euthanasia service dispose of their body. No matter what option you chose, you will think of them everyday and they will live on in your heart. You may keep your dog at home, but not for longer than 24 hours in a cool room. You also want to be sure to sanitize the areas they were. The city of Austin offers a pick up service. Regardless of what you choose to do with their remains, you may want to create a memorial for them in a beloved spot you enjoyed together and plant a tree or plant.

The first few days after your dog’s death will be hard even though you have had some time to prepare. You may want to leave town so you aren’t in the home you shared without them. Plan on giving yourself plenty and time and space to feel and cry and remember and grieve. Grieving doesn’t have a start and end, but rather many layers that will unfold over time. Let yourself take the time you need. Let your friends support you by bringing food and sitting with you. Though there is no short cut, my advice for moving through grief is to eat, move, and spend time in nature every day. 

There are some grief support groups you can join to talk to other people who are going through the same thing. Grief is hard to discuss with people who aren’t in it. Even if the people close to you don’t know what to say or do, they still love you and want to be there for you. You can help guide people as best you can. Let them know they don’t need to make it better, just to physically be there, to listen and let you be sad.

Moving on

Though it may be tempting, we don’t recommend getting another dog on the heels of losing a dog. If you know anything about our style of training, we believe that the best way to love a dog is to maintain a stable nervous system. Anyone grieving won’t be able to send a new dog the leadership cues they need to trust you and feel comfortable as they begin their new life with you. There is also no dog that could replace the friend you lost. Some people say they resent the new dog for not being more like their old one and it takes longer to bond. 

You may want to enjoy the time between pets by taking a trip. If you miss having a walking companion, borrow a friend’s dog for a hike - chances are you know plenty of dogs not getting enough exercise. When you are ready, read our articles on picking the right dog, either from a reputable breeder or rescue and begin a new chapter of dog ownership.

How to pet a dog

Petting a dog may seem like the most obvious and intuitive thing in the world. Just stick your hand out and scratch them. The truth is that almost daily I see people petting dogs in a way that makes the dogs uncomfortable. In America we LOVE saying hello to each other’s dogs. Bringing a dog in public seems to have been equated with having a therapy dog on duty. People come up from out of nowhere asking to pet them - and that is the best case scenario. I have had people run, actually run, up to my dog, Harley, to pet her, pet her without my knowing it when she’s standing behind me, even pick her up when she’s off leash. I have had parents watch their children surround her when I tied her outside a coffee shop momentarily and chide me for leaving her unattended if I didn’t want such a thing to happen when I came back and expressed that the dog wasn’t comfortable and approaching an unfamiliar and unattended dog wasn’t a great idea. I see people let newly rescued dogs or young puppies be surrounded or passed around. The bar for what dogs in public have to tolerate from us humans is very high, and the bar for us humans learning about what works and doesn’t work for dogs is devastatingly low.

There is a right way and wrong way to greet a dog and if we knew how to do this, our interspecies interactions would almost certainly go better. Learn these tips and be an ambassador for this beloved species that we can keep getting to know more and more deeply.

Ask the owner if they are friendly

It’s important to check in with an owner before you go to interact with a dog. Don’t pet a dog whose owner isn’t paying attention. The dog will feel more comfortable if the owner is watching and is mentally engaged. It’s also important to get verbal permission because dogs that seem friendly aren’t always.

Get into position

Dogs read body language and I have found this posture is the best way to make them feel comfortable. 

• Slightly extend your hand down towards the dog without moving towards them

• Turn to the side so your feet point diagonally away from the dog, 

• Kneel at the knees (preferred) or bend over at the hips so you can quickly stand

• Look down at your hand or between your hand and the dog so you can keep an eye on the dog without directly looking at them

• Keep taking deep breaths and keep your muscles relaxed

Eye contact is polite for primates, but not for dogs. Averting your gaze will make a dog more comfortable, but you must only appear to do so from their perspective. Be sure you are still keeping an eye on the dog so  if they seem uncomfortable you can stand up, move backwards and remove your hand.

Read the dog’s response

• A happy dog who wants to get a pet will sniff your hand, wag its tail and move towards you. Often this sniff is enough of an interaction and I will end it there.

  • If you want to pet the dog, slowly move your hand forward and see if they continue to move towards the interaction.

  • We recommend keeping your hand in the dog’s eyeline and moving towards their shoulder instead of petting them with your hand moving down from above into their blindspot on to the back of their neck, one of the most vulnerable parts of a dog’s body. 

  • Give a quick pet (3-5 seconds) then stand up and take a step back. Always try to end the interaction on a good, calm note, before the dog gets too excited, tries to jump or lean on you, mouth your hand, or pushes further into your space.

  • The focus of this post is on petting in a way that makes a dog comfortable, but remember, even if we pet a dog for our own pleasure, it’s still a reward for the dog. If a dog gets too excited, by continuing to pet them we are rewarding a mindset that leads to behaviors that we don’t want. 

• A hesitant dog may move forward to sniff you while keeping their weight on their hind feet. Their body may be stiff or their tail may move in a low, slow wag.

  • If this is the case you can take a deep, relaxing breath and stay where you are, talking to the owner while keeping an eye on the dog in your peripheral vision. You may choose to stand up and end the interaction to show the dog that you read and respect their discomfort. 

  • Do not move closer or try to pet this dog.

• If you lean down to offer your hand to be smelled and the dog takes a step back or turns their head away, stand up and take a step back. This is respectful and the safest response.

  • A fearful dog will take a step away or move behind their owner, put their hackles up or maybe even curl their lip or growl. These are all the most obvious signals. More subtly, this dog could display whale eye, where you can see the whites of their eye, a tight facial expression, light, shallow breathing and stiff body language. 

  • Not every dog wants to be pet by a stranger and that is okay! Maybe they aren’t feeling well that day, are nervous around new people or are uncomfortable in the environment. 

By reading body language and social cues we know if a person wants to talk to us, shake our hand or is open to receiving a hug. Our dogs also send these cues, but most of us don’t know how to read them or aren’t present enough to respond appropriately.

Because so many dogs are friendly and like to meet or be pet by strangers, we assume that all dogs want to be pet. If the stranger or handler doesn't read a dog’s signals and a bite occurs, it isn’t really the dog’s fault. They likely did their best to convey that they weren’t comfortable and the bite was the final and most obvious signal in a series of signals that weren’t noticed.

Remember, don’t take it personally if a dog doesn’t want to be pet. This isn’t a reflection of you or your worth! Instead be proud of yourself for caring about dogs enough to read and respect their body language.

Like so many things in life, this acceptance is the key! If you show a dog you are tuned in to them and willing to respect their boundaries, they are more likely to relax around you and be willing to interact with you. It could even be a big step for that dog towards trusting humans in general.

Owners, advocate for your dogs in public when it comes to being pet by strangers. This is not an obligation you have by bringing your dog in public. If your dog doesn’t seem comfortable, communicate that clearly and immediately to the humans around you that are trying to interact with your dog. Don’t worry about being rude or being liked, worry about your dog’s comfort and safety. Advocation is one of the best ways to say “I love you” to your dog and be the trusted companion they need you to be.

What kind of dog are you creating?

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Time and time again, I think of how this story applies to dogs and the training philosophy I teach. In horse training they say, in every moment you are either training or un-training your horse. I want to approach in a way that is respectful, calm and confident, an approach that is likely to be successful in my mission of catching them from the pasture or putting a halter on in the stall. This involves reading their body, adjusting my pace and body language, and moving in a way that indicates I will achieve my goal, sometimes blocking or leaning to show I’m able to anticipate their intention if they are going to try to evade me.

From the moment I walk into a client’s home, every action matters. I know some clients are taken aback when I ask them to leash their pup to prevent them from barking or jumping on me. I don’t greet the dog while they are excited that a new person has entered. I don’t let the dog approach me or put their nose on me to have a sniff. When we sit, I ask that the dog sits nicely next to, but not on top of the owner. In fact, I pretty much ignore the dog unless I’m giving them a command to indicate where I want them, a correction when they engage in an undesirable behavior, or a reward for relaxing into the behavior I want. 

All these small moments matter because I need to get out on the right foot with a dog. I need to create a dog that will listen to me, respect me and trust me. I need to encourage the dog to be calm, aware, and respectful of boundaries. When I ask for all this, the dog settles down, tunes into me and looks to me for cues on what to do. All the while I’m seemingly ignoring them, but actually guiding and correcting them. 

In each moment, in each small interaction, I’m creating the dog I want. While we are dealing with a problem behavior, it is essential to be crystal clear about the hierarchy in the pack (who gets their way, who listens to who), the expectations and boundaries I have, and my dedication to achieving or enforcing them. There are still rewards, but it is more subtle than most people are used to. Just like the friend who rarely gives you compliments, my rewards carry more weight because they need to be earned and aren’t given freely. 

If I reward a dog that jumps with attention, if I reward a dog that pushes to the door with opening it, if I reward a dog that barks with attention or affection, I’m creating more of just that, a dog that is excited, a dog that is pushy, and a dog that is demanding. It feels good to provide and receive instant gratification, but just like eating rich, fatty food, that instant gratification isn’t good in the long term. Don’t you appreciate that chocolate cake or those french fries more if you mostly abstain?

When new clients embark on their training journey, I describe what we do as a behavioral elimination diet. There is something in our dog’s lives that is making them think it’s okay to do that undesirable behavior, that they don’t need to listen to us or that they don’t need to exercise the self control required to resist temptations and not react to certain stimuli. When we shift our perspective, adjust our behavior, and have clear expectations, our dogs respond. The same way a dog is immediately responsive to me because of the way I enter the home, your dog can be more responsive to you if I can teach you to act like me. 

Once we get back to basics, get on that bland diet, and your dog’s behavior begins to stabilize, then we can start playing with the different elements of our lives together, relaxing some rules and boundaries, and adding in privileges, but all one by one so we can tell what it is that tips the scales for our pup. 

When I did this with my dog, Harley, pulling back allowed her true personality to come out. I discovered she didn’t like being pet as often or in the way I was petting her. By abstaining, she was able to show me when she wanted attention, and because her attitude was cooperative and respectful, I could choose when I wanted to meet her desire for affection and when I wasn’t able without her becoming pushy or demanding. I found that talking to my dog as much as I was was confusing and stressful for her. She never knew when I was going to disturb her with my voice and attention, and when I did, it wasn’t clear if I wanted anything or was just, essentially, bothering her. 

When I started pulling back, Harley settled, became more confident and more responsive. She developed a sense of self and safety after a lifetime of separation anxiety. Her interactions with other dogs changed. She relaxed, listened to me better, and trusted me more. All by shifting my behavior and the manner in which we had our interactions! The changes in Harley astounded me and improved her life exponentially. That is why I’m so excited to share this method and knowledge with my clients, because it works. It is practiced in small moments instead of taking out 20 minutes a day to rehearse a routine of tricks.  In every interaction ask yourself “which dog I am feeding: a calm, responsive dog or an excited and impulsive one.”

dog….Dog…DOG!

In sessions I see a lot of owners saying their dog’s name in the place of giving a command. Heck, I even do it sometimes. I always compare this to trying to ask your friend or partner or client to do something by only saying their name. If I was trying to give a client coaching on loose leash walking and said, let’s say, “Jane” in a soft, friendly sing-songy voice, I may get a glance from her, but it would probably be accompanied by a raised eyebrow as she thought to herself ‘what is going on? Does she want my attention?’ Saying a name with no other words usually serves just that purpose, to get someone’s attention. 

Now let’s say she glanced at me, but that wasn’t what I wanted. I was trying to get her to slow her pace or to give her dog a cue with the leash or stop staring at her dog as she walked. I didn’t get what I wanted, so I say louder, “Jane!” And she responds with a more frustrated glance that says “what?” Clearly she is doing something I don’t want her to do, or not doing something I do want her to do, but she has no way of knowing what. I’m not giving her any instruction, I am only saying her name. 

By now she must be annoyed. She knows something is going wrong, but doesn’t know what it is or how to fix it. I’m frustrated too, because I’m not getting the desired result, so I bark out “JANE!” and storm towards her, throwing my hands in the air because I don’t understand why things are going so badly. 

Well, in this situation I would clearly be a poor communicator. If Jane had been working with me a long time and I had told her 100 times, “hey, stop staring at your dog as you walk” then I warned her that I couldn’t keep telling her the same thing over and over, when I said her name, she would probably know that I had caught her doing the thing she knew that she wasn’t supposed to be doing, she may think to herself, “crap, I was staring at my dog again!” and correct the error without my having to explain what my admonition was in reference to. I knew that she would know because we had already established that in many previous conversations.

Sometimes, you can use your dog’s name as a correction. Especially if you have more than one dog (or children)dog, the word “no” or an ‘eh-eh’ sound could apply to anyone. In this case, use your gaze, your attention and your body language to indicate wh0 your voice is being directed at. 

If your dog is consistently unreliable responding to commands, plays too rough, lags behind, wanders off or gets too far away, when caught in the act you can sharply and loudly say their name, and, realizing the jig is up, they will usually snap back into gear. When they know the behavior you want,when you call them out, they have the ability to immediately comply. 

If you say your dog’s name and they don’t connect the dots on what is going wrong, say their name again and add the command.  If that still doesn’t work, you will know that either this task has not been truly established with your dog or your dog is having a moment where they got so excited they temporarily lost their mind - or at least the part of it that is inclined being obedient.You will then approach your dog to guide them, correct them, or otherwise achieve the behavior you were looking for.

What is important that you establish what you want in each instance through training. Take your time, lay the groundwork, show your dog  right from wrong multiple times and reinforce the behaviors you want while preventing, correcting or disincentivizing those you don’t want. While teaching your dog what behavior or mentality you are looking for, it’s important that you interrupt the behavior you don’t want, you can sometimes do this by calling your dog’s name. That interruption must be quickly followed with showing your dog what you DO want. 

If your dog is playing too rough, say ‘easy’ and if they don't take it down a few notches, call them back to you or step in and interrupt their play to ask them to sit and collect themself or take a break on leash for a while.  If your dog is lagging behind, say their  name to get their attention and if they don’t automatically respond by catching up , ask them to ‘come come’ or keep moving saying ‘let’s go’ or tell them to get off the smell with a ‘leave it.’ If those don’t work, start walking back towards them, repeating the command or making sounds (Shhh Shhh, Hey, or a clap) to get their attention and let them know  you’re a comin’ for ‘em. Usually once you start making our way towards your dog they know the best option is to leave the smell and come along.

In summary, using your dog’s name is a good way to get their attention and can sometimes take the place of a command. However, if your dog doesn’t seem to understand what you want from them, it’s your job to tune into that and change your approach after the second time you use their name and don’t get the response you wanted. If you do get the response you were looking for, be sure to relax your manner and reward your dog with cooing sounds and a pet.

When commands trail off...

Austinites loooove their dogs, so when I’m out and about I get to see a lot of dog/owner interaction. One of the most common mistakes I see people make is to drop a command when their dog doesn’t comply. I think this happens so often because people simply don’t know what to do in those moments where their dog doesn’t listen.

From a training perspective, it’s important that I have a lot of integrity in my relationship with my dog. Because, ultimately, all of the training we do is for safety, it’s really really important to me that the twenty-odd times a day I give my dog a command they listen. I need for my dog to know that if I start asking them for something, I’m not going to quit till I get it. This helps my dog understand that the best way to make me quit saying that word is just to do the thing it means, then life gets fun again! If I quit, however, and don’t follow through on a command my dog learns that I have a breaking point, and if they can push me to that point they will never have to do the thing I asked them. The only way you can fail at dog training is by giving up!

I’m a dog trainer, but that doesn’t mean I’m not a person too! Sometimes I want some time off, and my dog or the dogs boarding at my home are doing something I don’t like (playing too rough in the house, going into a room they don’t belong in, barking at a noise), when this happens, I’ll start with my ‘eh-eh’ sound as a correction. ‘Eh-eh’ is great because it just means ‘stop what you are doing.’ Easy enough! If I slip up and say something like ‘sit’ and my dog, who is activated and involved in being a little naughty doesn’t comply, that means I have to get my lazy bum off the couch and walk over to my dog, get their attention, and make sure we follow through on the command I just gave.

Knowing how to teach your dog to sit is great and important. Knowing what to do when, for whatever reason, your dog doesn’t want to do that thing you are asking them to do, that you know they know how to do, is just as, if not more, important! That is one of the things we cover in our training series, and something that can really help your relationship with your pup as you guide them towards being more reliably obedient. Often those moments when it’s tough to get their attention and compliance are the ones where it can matter the most!

The short goodbye... Proper etiquette for leaving your dog

When people drop their dogs off at my house for boarding, I notice that the owner's behavior can unintentionally cause stress instead of confidence in their dogs. We love our dogs so much, but sometimes when we express that love in a human way it can actually stress out our poor pups. While goodbyes are good etiquette when it comes to human manners,  dogs don't naturally share that cultural norm.

As a new client, who has never left their dog before, you may arrive nervous,or even as a seasoned client  you know you will miss your pup, so you may draw out the goodbye, pulling your dog's attention back to you when really the dog is interested (as they should be) in being in a new place and smelling new smells.

Your nervous, unsure, emotional energy gets transmitted to your dog. Instead of being excited to be somewhere new, they take a cue from you that the situation is distressing and therefore they feel more distress than necessary.  Your dog may even start to worry about you!

In general, I find quick, unemotional hand offs are best. If you  have calm, confident energy, you passively transmit the message to your dog that everything is fine and therefore they feel good about what's happening. 

Parting with your dog is always tough. Once I see my dog is happy and content without me,usually after receiving the first photo of my dog, I can relax.. Do your dog (and your boarder!) a favor and try to have a smooth hand off when you drop your dog for boarding. 

Our favorite 4-lettered word is C-A-L-M

The reason a lot of people love dogs is their easy access to states of exuberance and joy. As anyone who has ever walked down a city street or met a dog knows, dogs are easily excitable. Most dogs today are little, furry instant gratification machines.

See another dog? Freak out. 

Human looks at you? Freak out.

Going for a walk? Freak out.

Someone has a treat? Freak out.

Dogs are natural pros at getting amped up so what they need from us is an incentive to calm down. In order to be healthy, your dog needs to learn how to regulate their emotions - just like a person! 

You can create a container where this is possible by:

Pre-empting your dog's reaction in potentially exciting situations

• When you know you are going to subject your dog to those situations that are exciting for them, such as answering the door, passing another dog on the street, getting your dog into the car or approaching water on the trail, be sure to take a deep breath, give a touch on the leash or a verbal command and ask them to focus on you. 

• Down regulate their energy before they get distracted instead of just trying to manage them after.

Making the right thing easy and the wrong thing hard

• When your dog is being reactive and getting overly excited, do what it takes to get their attention back on you and be sure to  move away from what they want instead of towards it. 

• When your dog is jumping around, panting, whining or pulling towards something, stop where you are or move away from it. 

• Only when your dog is walking calmly and retaining their composure,  can you move steadily towards the awesome thing. 

• Have a picture of what you want in your mind and do whatever it takes to make reality match.

• As a leader for your dog, it's important that you always have a picture of what you want reality to look like. 

• When you put on the leash, you want your dog sitting calmly. 

• When you open the door, you want your dog ready to wait at the threshold.

• When you walk, you want your dog by your side and not pulling. 

• When you greet another dog, you want your dog's energy to be calm. You want them to be able to approach the other dog with a cool head so they can read and demonstrate prosocial body language. 

• If your dog is matching the picture you have in your mind, great! Life can keep being awesome! 

• If your dog's behavior doesn't match what you want, apply pressure with your voice, eyes, body language, leash and energy till you have their attention and they are calm again.

If it ain't workin', stop doing it!

I get calls from a lot of owners who are struggling in some area of their life with their dog.

"I keep going to the dog park and my dog is having problems"

"I keep letting my dog off leash and they don't listen"

"I keep having people over and my dog always jumps on them"

I feel like a big part of my job is saying things that people respond to with "oh, that seems so obvious now that you've said it." Here is my gift to you: if it isn't working, stop doing it. 

If I keep having a problem it's a sign that I have over-faced my dog and I need to step back, regroup and re-approach. It's not enough to stop doing the thing (which you should, for now, if you keep getting the same bad result). In order to change the outcome, you need to address the underlying causes outside of the high intensity situation.

That's where a good trainer comes in! While you are researching trainers or waiting for your appointment, stop doing the troublesome activity or avoid the tough situation. I love to advise my clients on what changes they can make in their behavior and the way they relate to their dog that will have exponential effects on the way that their dog views the world and conducts themselves in it. 

For now, if it ain't working, it’s best to take a break (and get a trainer on the phone!).