Why 'how do I get my dog to stop barking?' isn't the right question

The number one challenge for dog owners is knowing what their problem is!

After 10 years of owning my business I can tell you that when people call me for help with their dog, they are calling because their dog is doing something that annoys, frustrates, scares or confuses them enough to go through the trouble of reaching out for help and be willing to invest both their energy and money in professional guidance.

The behavior in question is what they see as their problem, but really that behavior is the most obvious or annoying expression of what their dog’s problem actually is, which usually boils down to how our dog’s feel about us.

How do I know?

This was definitely true for me and I even studied dog training before I got a dog. After getting bitten by a dog in 2011, my miniature Dachshund Harley developed fear based reactivity. She was so afraid of another dog hurting her that, in an effort to appear formidable to prevent another attack, she was causing other dogs to respond to her in the exact way she didn’t want them to.

“A behavior that arises from trauma creates the exact outcome it was designed to avoid.”

This is true for us humans, too. Harley’s fear was coloring her life. She felt it every time a dog approached her and in that activated mindset she couldn’t be present and properly evaluate the dog she was greeting. Every dog was the dog that bit her.

Every greeting was her chance to go back into the past and change the outcome.

Every time she tried to do that, the thing she was afraid of happened again.

I knew this behavior was a HUGE problem, especially when I was apprenticing under another trainer and working with her client’s dogs, but I was frozen.

I didn’t know how to fix it and…

• It was going to be a huge undertaking.

• I didn’t really want things to change in other areas of her life.

• I didn’t understand what her problem really was…

I thought the problem was greetings or other dogs because that is where the action was, but I discovered the root of her problem was how she felt about me.

Even though I studied dog training with two other trainers right before and after I got Harley, I read books, I watched dog training TV shows and I spent a ton of time around dogs, no one talked to me about how dogs saw the world or what they really needed from their owners in order to feel safe in the world. Despite my efforts to educate myself I was just like every other owner, seeing and relating to my dog the way movies and pop culture shows. I had no idea that there was another relationship happening between us in dog language, a relationship in which I, the best dog owner in the world, was fully and completely letting my dog down.

Let’s Talk About Barking

Barking is a common complaint so it’s the example I use most often.

“My dog bark at other dogs on the walk or while playing”

“My dog barks at every little sound at home”

“My dog won’t stop barking when people come over”

Barking dogs have become very common, but that behavior, when compulsive, isn’t normal. Barking isn’t a dog’s way of “talking.” They talk with their energy body language and behavior. Barking is a stress response more than a method of communication.

I notice that the question is usually “how do I get my dog to stop barking?” because barking is the annoying behavior, but very few owners ask “why is my dog barking?” which is the more interesting question for me. Let’s compare barking to having a persistent or reoccurring rash. “How do I get my dog to stop” is like asking what kind of bandaid to put on the rash when we need to find out what is causing it!

Dogs usually bark for two reasons. Either they are excited and can’t manage the intensity of that mental state so the energy comes out of their mouth as a bark or they feel unsafe and are alarm barking, trying to use their bark to alert to the presence of a threat as a deterrent so the threat goes away.

Let’s break down both of those reasons to find the cause.

Excitement

Dogs commonly bark during exciting moments, like:

• when there is a knock on the door and they know someone is about to come in

• when you come home

• when they want something

• when they are about to get something they want

• when they are playing… to name a few

Let’s compare barking out of excitement to us yelling in exciting moments. It’s appropriate at a sports game or during a round of applause. Maybe a shriek or squeal will come out of our mouths if something very good happens, especially if it’s a surprise. As adults we know when it’s appropriate to yell and we are able to stop when that moment passes or if someone indicates to us that we need to. If we were to keep yelling at that point there would be social consequences ranging from dirty looks to someone pulling you aside and escalating right up to you getting committed or arrested.

I’m not saying ALL BARKING IS BAD or DOGS SHOULD NEVER BARK. Barking is a natural response and can be appropriate. My dog barked her whole life, especially if the door bell rang, and that was totally okay and normal. My rule for barking is that a dog has to stop when I ask them to - which my dog did. For most dog owners, that is not possible at all or not reliable across situations and stimulations.

So, your dog is barking out of excitement and can’t stop when you give a verbal command, a leash cue, or even when you approach them menacingly demanding the behavior stop immediately.

Why?

Regulation

Most of our dogs struggle to regulate from an excited energy to a calm one. This is because we love their excitement and are more likely to exacerbate it then to try to mitigate, contain, or disincentivize it. We see a dog’s excitement as an expression of joy and a signal that we have done something very right as a dog owner. This is a loving moment for us, a joy of dog ownership, perhaps even an expression of our subconscious wish fulfillment to be as full of joy and free in it’s expression. We love a dog’s excitement… right up until we hate it.

Most dog owners will only ask a dog to calm down when their behavior becomes problematic. This is the equivalent of putting out a fire over and over when really we need to be working to prevent fires or make sure they only happen in the fireplace and can be easily extinguished whenever needed.

Because we don’t regularly ask a dog to calm down, especially in the everyday, usually at home, happy loving moments where we don’t need them to, our dog’s literally don’t know how to! The number one cause of dog problems today is the inability to regulate their energy or mentality. They don’t know how to go from an excited state to a calm one because we haven’t shown them the way in the quiet moments where long term learning is actually possible. I cover this in lesson 4 of my eCourse and touch on some of the concepts in my article on the “wait” command.

Basic needs

If a dog knows how to regulate, but can’t they may not be getting enough exercise or mental stimulation. Like kids who are asked to sit in class all day long with no gym, recess, lunch or art class, our dogs, who spend 90% of their day home alone or passively interacting with us, our dogs may be drunk on energy. They know what we are asking. They theoretically can do it, but they can’t control themselves in that moment because they have more energy than self control. If we don’t move our dog’s energy in ways we want it to move, it will move in ways we don’t like, like barking, chewing, digging, pulling and zooming around the house. To many of you that may seem like a list of dog behaviors, but if a dog’s needs are being met they won’t do any of those behaviors at home, and certainly not to excess. Each dog needs X amount of exercise each day in order to be a good companion. Experiment with different amounts of time, activities and intensity levels to find out what X is for your dog and make sure to get them out for X + 5 every single day.

Obedience

Body language of a calm dog

I actually don’t use this word very often in my training because I don’t want a subservient, submissive slave that bends to my will or whim. I think more about having a great teammate who trusts me and listens to me because they know that I love them and want them to have an amazing life. In order to get there your dog has to know that their life will become increasingly “unfun” anytime they ignore you - not just when it really matters. In order to have a dog that listens to us we need to know how to communicate clearly (lesson 3 in my eCourse) and how to BE someone our dogs are naturally inclined to listen to (lessons 2 and 5). Building the integrity we need to have dogs that listen to us means giving clear commands and setting small boundaries often at home, where we are in control of a familiar environment with few distractions. Your dog can’t listen to you when there is something going on if they can’t listen to you when there isn’t.

You vs the world

It’s AMAZING if your dog listens to you 99% of the time at home, but that doesn’t help if they blow you off the moment you leave the house. Many of us move too far, too fast with our dogs, taking them out to do the things that '“dogs can do” without first taking the time to build the kind of mindset that dogs who can do it (well) have!

In order to save my dog’s life I need to know that I can give a command at any moment and my dog will listen OR that I know exactly what to do to get them to listen if they don’t. Most owners allow all the fun stuff without worrying about the listening part because it takes time and effort to achieve. Owners often cheat by only letting their dog off leash in fenced areas where it “doesn’t matter” if the dog doesn’t have recall without realizing that every single time they call their dog and there is no consequence for ignoring the command they are cementing a dangerous behavioral norm and relationship dynamic that could truly bite them in the ass one day.

The bar is also devastatingly low. It feels like it’s almost more common to see a dog ignoring their owner’s “come” command than listening to it. If your dog doesn’t listen to your command, that is a sign that you are somewhere you don’t belong and it’s time to immediately change the situation (go on leash if off, leave the park, lower the distractions on a walk by staying closer to home, or working in the yard or house instead of outside). There is no shame in going backwards in your training trajectory!! The truly problematic choice would be staying where your dog is telling you you don’t belong.

How does your dog feel about you?

Let’s find out after we talk through alarm barking.

Alarm

Alarm barking is a normal behavior for dogs and a natural way for them to both signal others that there is a potential threat as well as to deter the threat by showing that someone is present and paying attention. Any “natural” behavior when done to excess in frequency or duration becomes “unnatural” and barking is a perfect example of this.

Reaction vs Reactive

While it’s normal for your dog to have a reaction to certain sounds or stimuli, reactions are appropriate in their timing and duration. If a dog is having a reaction, they can usually be redirected relatively easily. The behavior becomes “reactive” when it happens often, inappropriately, and the dog quickly becomes so stimulated that they are “out of control,” meaning that you have to physically stop them because they are unable to process or respond to your verbal commands. Reactivity is a question of “can you regulate from an excited state to a calm one” as well as “do you trust my assessment of this situation and are therefore willing to be influenced by me in it?” Check out this article on reactivity for more.

Safety

Many of us know that our lives are safe, so we don’t consider what safety means to a dog. In order for a dog to feel safe they need to know that someone they trust and respect, who is better suited than they are for the job of protecting the house and ‘pack,’ is paying attention. We don’t know that dog’s need this (or that most of our behavior complaints are rooted in this basic need) so we accidentally live a life where we convince our dogs, in their language, that THEY are responsible for US. If you are wondering why there are so many reactive dogs today, this is the answer.

When we:

Body language of an over stimulated dog

• Allow dogs free rein of the house and access to furniture

• Let them push into us, lean on us, paw at us, follow us or even to enter our personal space bubble when excited or without checking in

• Don’t follow through on commands

• Encourage disregulated mindsets or reward the ensuing behavior

• Don’t consistently and reliably enforce boundaries

• Provide more love than structure… our dogs see us as someone they can push around and are therefore responsible for protecting.

OOPS! That is literally how everyone’s life with their dog looks - mine included before I learned what I now teach. Think about it like this. If we lived together and you were rude to me, bossed me around, won every argument and ignored my requests, would you trust me to step up and protect or defend you? Would you think that I could identify and appropriately respond to a threat? Would you even like me very much? No, no and probably not, honestly.

It isn’t fair to only ask how to ‘get a dog to stop barking’ without addressing why they feel they have to bark, and that means looking more deeply into our relationship.

So, how does your dog feel about you?

At the root cause of both expressions of the barking behavior is how our dogs feel about us. Unfortunately, most of our dogs don’t think very highly of us.

We don’t understand dog culture so we don’t know how to:

• earn our dog’s trust and respect

• demonstrate that we are aware of and managing a potential threat

• teach our dogs to regulate from an excited mental state to a calm one

• follow through on our commands to build integrity in our dogs’ eyes

Because we don’t understand how dogs perceive and respond to the environment or miss out on their early alert cues, it’s hard for us to know how and when to step in either to prevent the behavior or to correct it. But that isn’t all it’s about…. we have to become someone dogs are naturally inclined to listen to.

I bet you didn’t think changing how you show up to your dog and how they see you and view your relationship would be the answer to “how do I get my dog to stop barking” did you? Turns out it is the answer to almost every training question I get asked! This dynamic - how your dog sees you, how they view your relationship, and how that makes them feel about the world means EVERYTHING when it comes to giving our dogs a great life.

Back to Harley

Her fear based reactivity was about to get me fired and I had to do something. I wish I could say that I noticed there was a problem and immediately dropped everything to do whatever it took to change it, but that wasn’t true. I did my best to manage it. I half assedly tried some training techniques. I avoided those situations if possible. I mostly just watched it happened and downplayed it in my mind because I didn’t want to do an overhaul of our lives together. The trainers gave me a book, some instructions and an ultimatum. Fix it or she can’t come around anymore.

And they were right to do that.

During this time (a period I call ‘bootcamp’ for my clients because I ask them to follow as many of my recommendations as possible as thoroughly as possible for 6-8 weeks minimum) I:

• added a lot of rules and boundaries to our life together

• took away any and all privileges

• reeled back my affection and attention

• became clearer with my commands

• asked for TONS of regulation and impulse inhibition

• created structure in every interaction and activity

I also had to do a lot of emotional work. I pulled back the tendrils of the intense love I felt for my dog and reground in the core of my own being. If I couldn’t stand on my own, how could I stand up for her? Luckily I was doing this work with Harley at the same time I was in a 12 step program, because the concept of god, the support of the community and the framework for introspection in processing my past and clearing the way for a new future were all essential parts of the inner work that dog training suddenly required. I had to look at why I was so heavily invested in and emotionally dependent on my dog for her sake, because as I moved through the training process I learned that my dog’s biggest problem was actually me.

What now?

If you want to address your dog’s problematic behaviors, whether barking, reactivity, separation anxiety, social challenges or excitement, check out my free resources, my Online Learning Programs and my Virtual Coaching Packages to learn how I changed who I was, how my dog saw me, and how we started to move through the world so we could not only resolve her reactivity, but also have the amazing life and beautiful bond that we did.

European dogs are better (and it’s all our fault)

I have been in Italy and Switzerland for the past three weeks and one thing I noticed right away is that European dogs are better behaved than American dogs.

There seems to be slightly less dogs here, but they are in more places. Dogs in restaurants. Dogs on buses or in the train station. Dogs in shops. The dogs go everywhere with the owner, many walking on a harness with a loose leash and being very settled and calm in their mentality.

These dogs are out and about. They look around. They enjoy the scenery and smells of the world. They are having a good time. One very clear difference that explains why these dogs are so good out in public is that no one on the street stops to greet or pet them therefore they don't excitedly pull towards anyone walking by because they have no expectation of a potential reward.

This may seem counter intuitive - less attention equals more happiness? Many of the issues I see in dogs at home is that they are at a baseline of being overstimulated and overexcited. From that overexcited mindset when they are out of the house they can't make good choices socially and engage in impulsive behaviors like pulling on the leash or dragging towards objects of interest like other dogs, people, squirrels, or smells.

All the petting by strangers actually rewards that impulsive and excited mindset. First of all, dragging towards someone gets rewarded with pets so that is a behavior a dog will continue to engage in because it was successful. Second, the type of mindset that would drag is rewarded, creating positive associations with being in that mindset.

This is all because the owners or the people doing the petting don't know that most dogs they see are overexcited. They also would never think not to pet an excited dog. Why wouldn't we want to reward excitement? We as humans covet that state! This could also be because the owners don't feel comfortable risking being seen as rude by asking people not to pet their dog or to wait until their dog is calm. They may not even know how to calm their dog down!

I had heard this about Europe - that many dogs are able to walk happily next to their owners off leash through busy streets because it isn't customary to pet other people's dogs, thus the dog is able to calmly focus on his job and enjoys quite a bit more freedom than our over-pet American dogs do. Do you think a dog would rather get less pets and enjoy a life of going everywhere with their owner off leash or more pets but less outings and a life of pulling on the leash?

To be fair, I have noticed that while the European dogs are much better behaved around people, the dogs here tend to react badly when they see another dog. That same calm dog will begin barking and the owners, much like their American counterparts, will either ignore it, give a too subtle correction that goes unnoticed or unheeded by the dog or, worst of all, pet their dog in an attempt to calm them which accidentally rewards the very behavior they are trying to disincentivize.

Because dogs are primarily human companions, many dogs in today's world don't know how to dog! They don't know how to interact or how to react when they see another dog. A dog will bark either out of overexcitement, an attempt to interact or a reactive knee jerk response because they feel the other dog is a potential threat or that they need to protect their owner.

While there are actions we can and should take in the moment to dissuade our dog from barking such as giving a stern 'No' at an intensity that draws our dog's attention, creating a pulsing pressure on the leash that brings their focus back to us or giving them something else to focus on, like walking back and forth, in a circle or in a figure 8 until they settle down, I think it’s vital to look at the cause of the barking to be able to address the problem at the source and solve it instead of only managing it in the moment it occurs.

If a dog is under-socialized and doesn't know how to act around other dogs, it's our obligation as owners to socialize them. This can be done at a competent daycare, but should be begun slowly and early in their life (see our Dog Dating article for more tips).

If your dog is over excited, look at all the places in your life where you reward an excited mindset. Do you pet your dog when they are in a stimulated state or every time they solicit attention? Do you leash a dog that is barking, spinning in circles or jumping on you? Do you leave the house after your dog dragged you down the hallway? Do you feed a dog that is shoving his nose in the bowl before it can reach the ground? Do you let a dog out of the door that gets in front of you and pushes his nose into the crack the moment it opens? Does your dog leap out of the car the second the door is wide enough? Can your dog get off and stay off of furniture when asked? If you 'reward' these impulsive driven behaviors by giving the dog the thing they want of course you will get more of the same and in moments you don't want it. As trainers, we take the natural rewards of life and use them as moments to practice being calm and patient to encourage that mindset. The more a dog is asked to go from an excited state to a calm one, the more accessible and normal that calm state will be.

Finally, if your dog is reactive or feels he needs to protect you, it's important to look at how your dog perceives you and your relationship. When dogs greet each other for the first time, they immediately begin to feel each other out so they know where they fall in the social system. Often one dog will do something rude and see if the other dog submits to it, tolerates it or doesn't allow it. This gives response gives them feedback about their relationship and what they can and can't get away with when it comes to interacting with that dog. Sometimes dogs need to have this conversation over and over depending on the combination of personality types.

Back to us humans. Many behaviors that we think are cute, sweet or loving are actually, unfortunately quite rude in dog culture. They amount to a dog 'feeling us out' and seeing what they can get away with. By allowing these behaviors, or rewarding them, we show our dog that we are a sucker and they can walk all over us - often literally. When a dog sees us as a bit of a push over and feels they are 'above us' there is a downside. In their culture, being ‘above’ someone means they are responsible for them. If they are responsible for us and a potential threat, like another dog, is approaching, well, the best defense is a good offense. From here we get barking, growling, lunging, the raising of hackles and other antisocial behaviors from dogs that aren’t truly aggressive, just confused.

Luckily, the cure for this unfortunate dynamic lies within our power. If we can learn dog language and culture and shift how we respond to certain behaviors we can change how our dog sees us and the world. This will improve their lives in so many ways. While they may enjoy it, they don't 'need' unlimited love, instant gratification, affection from strangers or a lack of boundaries at home. What they most need is a sense of safety: to know that someone has their back and will advocate for them and to feel that they have a competent leader they trust to receive direction from. They don’t need an overly permissive parent to enjoy life, they need a good boss.

When I shifted my relationship with my dog from an indulgent one to a more structured one the transformation I saw in her was nothing short of miraculous. Our relationship became more subtle. There was room for her personality to come out. Her interactions with other dogs, which at the point I applied this training intervention were devastating and dangerous, became calm and confident. Honestly, remembering and writing that makes me tear up. In shifting how I interacted with my dog to a style that was more focused on what was actually good for her and less about what I wanted to be good for her or what felt good to me was love in the most pure and selfless form. It changed her life and my life, too. I'm so grateful I get to share this information with others and help improve the lives of dogs and their owners around the world.

How to read and greet other dogs

We are lucky enough to live in a city that has plenty of places for our dogs to hike on trails.  While taking advantage of this we encounter a lot of dogs. One of the great parts about being out in public, is the chance to meet, play with, and walk away from a lot of dogs. The trails are great because they are more self selecting than a dog park and usually full of dogs that have the level of training in which they can be trusted to be off leash without running away. Hiking also makes it easy to walk away if play is getting too excited or too rough.

Look at these good, calm pups! Listening and obedience off leash is on point.

Out in the wild, you are going to see a lot of different dogs. Unfortunately, many dogs have poor social skills or bad dog manners. Many owners, simply, do not know what they are seeing.  Many dogs, simply, have not been taught to develop the self control necessary to hold themselves back and be polite in exciting moments such as approaching another dog.

Do your best to keep your dog calm and in a heel: Say a light ‘eh eh’ or call your dog by name if they are locking on with their gaze or amping up with their energy. It’s important that you show your dog how to handle that exciting moment with manners and obedience. Do your best to be polite on the trails.

The moment you see a dog, check in on your dog as well as the dog approaching. You want to avoid any issues, so when you see a certain posture or behavior, you may turn and go the other way, or pull off the trail to let them pass.

What to look for:

If a dog runs up to you full speed. That isn’t a polite way to introduce themselves and shows a lack of self control. 

• You want your dog to know that  you are on it and managing the situation. Show this by getting out in front of your dog and saying ‘EH-EH’ or ‘Off’ to the other dog waving your arm, and snapping or clapping to say ‘I need your attention’ or ‘you better back off, bud.’ 

  • The dog likely isn’t used to this kind of direction or correction during greetings, so that surprise and curiosity will help disrupt their fixation on your pup and calm things down a bit. 

  • They could be okay once they calm down, or they could be a bit pushy, so you want to watch and see.

If a dog has tense body language in their ears, neck and back, a stiff gait, raised hackles on their  back, or a still, slow, methodically wagging tail, that also won’t make for the best greeting. 

• Try to loosen the energy up by saying ‘easy’ in a sing song, then a more stern voice or snap your fingers to break the tension. Then watch what they are going to do next. 

• Try to keep your body loose and your energy calm so the dogs know you are not worried. You want to project to your dog that you’re on it and they don’t need to be concerned or step in to regulate the situation. 

  • If your dog starts to display this energy, snap, say ‘eh eh’ or their name, tap the leash if they are on one, or swing your foot their way, whatever you need to do to get their attention, break the tension, or disrupt the hard stare. 

  • If you do that repeatedly over time, they will understand  that when they behave that way they get corrected, so they should stop doing that.

Pablo is asking Willa to play, but it looks like she is trying to take a breather in the shade. Either he will read her and turn away, or ignore her body language and push her to engage.

When a dog lays down or goes into a play bow upon seeing another dog, a lot of owners find it cute so they stand still and let it happen.

• It’s important to keep on moving, no matter what 

• If your dog does that, keep walking and say ‘let’s go’ or ‘easy,’ or do some snapping to let your dog know that isn’t the best way to have a polite greeting.

  • A dog who does that isn’t calm, they are expressing excitement! 

  • When you get close, they tend to launch, which has the same end result as the first dog described. 

  • Think of it as a compressed coil waiting to pop. You don’t want to be preemptive, but do get in front of the pack and be ready to correct that dog if they spring.

This is not the best. These siblings are way too amped for my taste. We were probably fussing at them while we snapped this photo.

If a dog is jumping, barking, or lunging, that is also a no no. Imagine if you passed by or were approached by someone on the street who was yelling at you. You would not be in a good place to be receptive toan interaction. 

• As much as possible you want to keep on moving forward here. If you stop, your dog will focus on the other dog’s behavior and, understandably, start to get on their level. 

  • This is a ‘hustle by’ situation, on leash, or a ‘step between, snapping your fingers, and keep moving’ situation, off leash.

You can say whatever you need to say to owners. Let them know you need them to be stepping in and controlling their dog. Most think these behaviors are normal or don’t know how to correct them so they usually stand by watching. 

• In a sweet voice, you can say ‘oh, my dog isn’t always friendly’ or ‘he is a little older/coming back from an injury’ or ‘hey, would you mind calling your dog back?’ I Always start sweetly, while asking the owner for help. At the same time work to get your body between the dogs so you can back the other dog off a bit or distract them..

Tune into the owner as soon as you see a dog. Do they tense up? Are they calling their dog back in a nervous or frantic way? Working to get them on leash? Trying to pull over into the woods or loop away to avoid you 

• If that is the case,  try to be polite as well. Maybe they are in training or the owner can’t quite manage them yet. Maybe they aren’t always friendly. Who knows. 

If someone looks like they are nervous about the greeting. Keep your dog in a heel. A dog behaving oddly attracts the attention of other dogs and sparks their curiosity. ‘What is going on with that guy? Let me investigate….’ 

• If you don’t feel you have solid control  say ‘Let’s go’ or ‘Come Come’ and start running forward, glancing back to be sure your pup is coming. 

• Also verbally correct them with a ‘Hey’ or ‘Eh Eh’ or ‘Let’s go’ if they aren’t coming, get distracted, or attempt to go check the other dog out. 

• Running is usually effective because a) it is exciting and b) they think ‘uh oh, there goes my ride!’ 

• You don’t want to teach your dog they should be afraid of other dogs, so keep walking, and try to keep your energy calm. Look forward while keeping tabs on your dog as well as the other dog to know if any action on your part or change of course is required.

It’s your responsibility to help other owners be comfortable as well.

 When training your pup to have good dog manners,  you first need to be able to walk by other dogs without your dog  exploding with excitement, reactive barking or lunging to greet every dog they see. -

• Use verbal, energetic, and leash touches or corrections to show them ‘hey, I know other dogs are exciting, but you need to keep it together. When I say walk we are walking. You don’t get to say hi to every dog you see!’

• Don’t reward very excited energy with a greeting. Only calm dogs get to say hi. 

• Think about what is normal for us. If you ran up to someone and got all up in their business, they would likely be defensive and not very excited about meeting you. The rule of thumb is “you can look as long as you keep your energy calm, keep walking with me, and are willing to pass by even though you really, really want to go say hello.”

You also don’t want to get tense, jerk your dog away, cross the street or send signals to the other owner that you are worried or that your dog is uncool. 

• Try to stay calm, give corrections, make a plan in your mind as you approach, and keep your eyes fixed ahead of you while stealing glances at your pup and the other dog.

Pawblo is looking a bit pumped here, we will probably do a lap and chill out before we try to engage with another dog to set the dogs up for the calmest greeting we can have.

After you can reliably pass other dogs, loop back. 

• Call out to the owner, ‘hey, is your dog friendly?’ If the dog is, say, ‘I’m doing some training, would you mind standing still so we can walk by you a few times? 

• Or, if you are pretty sure your dog can keep it together on the approach, say ‘would you mind if we let them say hi?” Usually the answer is yes. 

• Be shameless about asking other owners for help. What a great opportunity to meet your neighbors and interact with other dog owners! -

Channel your inner Allegra and just ask. The worst that will happen is they say no. It’s not personal.

On the approach, your dog needs to stay calm and collected. 

• If he is getting too excited, barking, pulling, lunging, holding a dead stare, or scrambling to get to the other dog, NOPE.Turn and move in the other direction. 

• Make your dog think ‘Gosh, whenever I act like that, we move away from the thing I wantIs a connection there?’ 

• Do whatever you have to do to get your dog’s attention back on you. Let them know that they are on the clock, and that what they just did isn’t going to allow them to greet a dog.

• Once your dog is calm and you are giving those leash touches to remind them to stay cool, try the approach again. 

• Talk to the owner here. ‘Sorry, just a moment, we are trying to work on some manners.’ Because most people simply don’t know, this can be a cool learning moment for them, too! You are helping to make the world a better place for dogs. 

• Try not to offer any unsolicited advice about their handling or their dog. 

  • If the other dog is looking super excited, then that isn’t the right pup to try this with. 

  • If you didn’t catch it early or the excitement builds, say ‘oh well! I guess my dog just isn’t ready. Thanks anyway! Have a great day!’ 

You can also throw in a ‘cute pup!’ People love that.

• Once you get that calm, thoughtful, controlled approach, switch from your working leash position to keep your dog in a heel to your greeting grip, pinching the tip of the handle of your leash. 

  • Your dog needs room to display the body language dogs use to communicate with each other. 

  • If your dog does a ‘no no’ like putting their paws on another dog, jumping, barking, doing a hard sniff, or getting into a play bow, do a verbal ‘eh eh’ and briefly take up contact on the leash. 

  • If you need to, take up your working grip again and take a step or two backwards to get your dog out of there. Making your dog think, ‘Weird! If I start acting that way, I don’t get to say hello.!  I wonder if that is related?’ Your dog learns over time the way to get to say hi is to be calm.

Hard sniff there, Willa! Cora isn’t thrilled.

Porter the GSP doesn’t seem into it, huh?

Remind your dog that even though you are having some pup time, you are still on the clock. Don’t pull on me or drag. Don’t make the other dog uncomfortable. Don’t get too amped up. 

-It is polite in dog culture to ‘disengage’ every few seconds. Looking down or away or pausing and giving the other dog a little room gives the dog a chance to exit the interaction if they aren’t into it. Every three seconds, take up a light contact in the leash, increasing the pressure slowly until you achieve your goal of getting them to give the dog a little space, or, ideally, turn away for a second to see what the dog does. Do they want to keep interacting or not?

If the other dog is the one going hard, ‘pulse pulse’ on the leash and guide your dog away and out of the reach of the other dog. If they are off leash,  step in between, snap and say ‘easy’ or ‘eh eh’ in a sing-songy voice to get their attention off your dog so they can get away. 

This happens a LOT with my sweet little Harley. Other dogs think she is a toy or sniff her intensely and to their hearts content. If I see Harley standing frozen and looking uncomfortable, I’m going to step in to back the other dog off and give her a chance to escape. The reason she needs my help there is that if she were to move while the other dog is fixated on her, they would chase her and the situation would escalate.

If you are sweet, light, calm and sing songy, other owners usually don’t mind. If you were to get frantic and yell, they would get surprised and defensive.This usually isn’t necessary unless the other dog bats at, mounts, humps or pins your dog. Even then, stay calm and try to use your voice or body to break them up. If you are  really worried, you can grab the other dog’s collar and pull them off as gently as you can. Usually if a big ‘no no’ is happening, the other owner will understand why you would do that.

Because there are so many accidentally naughty dogs out there, it’s important that you do what you have to do to encourage your dog to have manners  as well as keep your dog safe. If your dog has a bad experience or gives another dog a bad experience it can  make them fearful or defensive in their future interactions, adding to the problem and not the solution. Other owners may think you are wacky for having all these rules, but just like we need to teach kids what is socially acceptable and how to control their impulses, it is important we teach our dogs this as well.

 Keep doing your thing, do it as gently as possible but as firmly as necessary and your dog will become a refined citizen of the dog world.

My dog doesn't want to meet your dog

My dog is 10 years old, she weighs 11lbs and her back is longer than she is tall. If you have a rambunctious puppy, larger dog or dog with poor greeting skills (you may not know! Most dogs these days do), my tiny dog doesn’t want to meet them.

I have talked about how our dogs have a culture of instant gratification. We love them, they are naturally impulsive, and more often than not they get what they want, but just as I can’t speak to everyone I want to, just as I am not always in the mood to have everyone who wants to, speak to me, dogs have the right to not be into it. 

When I read Harley’s body language and can see she isn’t into it, I ask people to move along with their dog. Some dogs can’t handle it! They pull back, lunge at her, bark or balk. Yowza! What a stressful life to have a meltdown when your every whim isn’t met.

How to know if your dog isn’t into it:

• They move away from the dog or try to stand behind you-They cower or show stiff body language

• They anticipate rude behavior so they look poised to defend themself if needed

• They roll over, but isn’t wagging their tail and look like they are being held hostage

• They pin their ears and leap at the other dog because they have already done something rude or disrespectful and they want to get in front of a potentially dangerous situation

How to know if your dog is the one being rude:

• They barge up to another dog, pulling on the leash and not pausing a foot away to display polite body language and determine if the other dog wants to have the interaction

• They put their body over another dog, usually their neck, somewhere above the other dog’s body or a paw on the dog’s back. 

• They look like they are going to hump

• They have stiff body language, raised hair,perked ears, an intense stare and their tail is raised and wagging like a metronome, also stiffly

• They sniff the other dog to their heart’s content, beyond when the other dog looks uncomfortable (A good rule of thumb, is asking your dog to disengage after 3 seconds of sniffing) 

• They don’t disengage - an important part of any greeting is to pull back, look away, or in some way see if the other dog wants to continue the interaction or move away

• They bark at another dog out of excitement or frustration - not a great introduction!

When your dog goes to greet, glance at the human, but mostly have your eyes on the dogs to read the vibe and their body language. Be ready to step in or pull your dog away at the slightest sign of anything going awry. 

Granted, being an expert in reading dogs, that is more intuitive for me than most people. By watching dogs and seeing what behavior or postures lead to what outcomes you will start to know when it’s better to pull out or pass on an interaction.

If you get a bad feeling or you are unsure, don’t be afraid to be rude! Your dog’s comfort and safety should come first.. I don’t be afraid to,  as nicely as possible, tell someone that your dog is older, unpredictable around other dogs, doesn’t like puppies, is tired, or just not in the mood to greet another dog.

 If someone doesn’t understand that, that is on them. It’s a reasonable ask! You may hear “oh, he just wants to say hi” or even, worst case scenario “why do you have him out, then?” It would be uncool, if for instance,they were to ask why you are in public, when you went to a coffee shop to work, but didn’t  want strangers distracting you - if then  The truth is most owners just don’t know any better.

 Unfortunately bad behavior is most of what you will witness out in ‘the wild.’  With a lack of knowledge and rose tinted glasses, it’s hard for anyone to believe that their beloved dog is anything short of perfect. That’s okay! But still get outta there.

Everyone lies on social media, even dogs!

We all know that someone's social media image isn't necessarily indicative of the reality of their life. Well, the same is true for dog photos. We, as humans, are terrible at reading dog body language and this holds true for photographs as well. 

One of the most common  misconceptions is an easy one. Panting looks a lot like smiling! When a dog is panting, it can mean they are hot, but it can also be a sign of anxiety. A few weeks ago on a bar patio someone offhandedly commented on all the happy dogs there. He saw a few dogs sitting or laying down and panting, or, to his eyes, smiling. What I saw was dogs that were warm and anxious. They were most likely uncomfortable on the rocks by the picnic table their owner was sitting at. The music from the nearby stage was likely too loud for them. Being held on leash or tied up in a public space where there are people and other dogs can be stressful. These dogs were okay, but it probably wasn't their favorite day. Dogs are good sports about most things, but if owners were able to accurately read their dog's body language, they may make different choices about when to bring a dog along and when the dog may prefer to be left home.

The truth is, we are part of the problem! The photos we choose to post online or send to owners conform to these misinterpretations. We may not post this photo to Instagram because the dogs all look so serious. Some are distracted by a sound, a few are looking at the camera, only one is panting, but because of their ear position they don't necessarily look happy. The truth is, these dogs are calm and focused on the job at hand, which is staying in the position we put them in and maintaining the stay till they are released, despite whatever that distracting sound off to the left is. Judging by their body language, these dogs would be able to be calmly released from the pose and continue on with the hike without too much fuss (meaning us fussing at them).

Don't these dogs look happier? I don't know how long we were hiking before this photo or how warm it was that day, but the truth is they are probably hot.

Check out Nell's expression in this photo. She looks so serious! The truth is that she is calm and focused. Her ears are perked and her tail is up, telling me that she is perfectly content. 

Beware the lie of the tail - not every wag is a happy one. A slow deliberate wag can be a sign of discomfort. A tail that is out and up, but stiff can also be a sign of tension. In both of those scenarios, I may try to get my dog's attention or shift the situation so my dog feels more comfortable.

Nell is a Rhodesian Ridgeback so she has a stripe of hair that grows in the opposite direction along her spine. On any other breed of dog, the look of her back would indicate discomfort and be referred to as 'having her hackles up'. It's the body's version of growling. 

For me, when it comes to what I want to see from my dog, I care more about a calm energy and mentality than them looking happy. Wouldn't it be weird if you had a friend that was smiling all the time? Like, all the time? Well, intermittently riling our dogs up so their affect conforms to our perception of happiness can be detrimental to your dog's mental health and general obedience. I mean, I get it. These dogs really do look a bit blue or grumpy, but this is a place we have to retrain our brains so that our perception of our dogs more closely matches the reality. While I wouldn't post these pictures because they don't match our idea of a happy dog, this is, in actuality, more of the look I want the dogs who are with me to have.